October 31, 2011
Lucy Liu. The psycho from the Social Network. Lily Pritchett. Lloyd from Entourage. Fook Mi and Fook Yu.
What do all these people have in common? They’re hot Asian betches, obvi. Now betches, as we’ve said before, betchiness is not about creed, color, or religion. It’s a lifestyle, it's a state of mind, it's a body type.
To be clear, we're not talking about the crazy Asians who huddle together in our apartment elevator, probably talking shit about us in their native tongue before cruising off in their BMWs. No, it’s time to pay homage to that girl in many bestie circles who adds both diversity and the possibility of homemade #72 sushi to a typical group dinner. Whether you merely know of her existence or consider her your BFF, she's the Token Asian Betch (TAB), aka "that hot Asian girl."
The vast majority of the time, the TAB is the only Asian in the bestie group, and you better fucking believe she likes it that way. The TAB appreciates her role and doesn't need another one around making it harder for white bros to tell the difference between them. The TAB stands out from the group because of her Asian flush at pregames, extremely tiny bone structure, and high SAT scores. Almost all of her friends are white and she really only dates white guys. These smart pros usually have penises on the smaller side though, as Asian girls are rumored to not just have tiny waist lines, but tiny vaginas as well.
The TAB is always a hot betch, but she's totally okay with the lack of famous female Asians in pop culture since she's unaware of what she's missing...because she was never allowed to watch TV anyway. However she can make those origami cranes and do her nails faster than anyone else you know.
But be careful betches, even if you have a TAB in your group, there's still no guarantee that you'll be sure if she's Japanese, Chinese, Korean, whatever. God forbid she's one of the many other ones that you have no idea about. Try to find out before meeting her parents and publicizing to them how much you "OMG, lovee going to Tao" in an effort to relate. The TAB's parents are often FOB business moguls that she's embarrassed of, or Jewish lesbians from the Upper East Side. And unfortunately, she'll be plagued for life by her parents' urges to stop #42 dressing like a slut and become a doctor or attend MIT.
But despite her parents' strict rules and high expectations, the TAB is usually either a complete #7 BSCB who parties really hard while fucking any bro she can, or the kind who never puts out and dates Wall Street pros. But while many bros will tell you that they've fucked or dated an Asian betch, few betches will say they have a thing for the William Hung look.
[Though white betches don’t date fully Asian guys, hooking up with the half-white-European-half-Asian is kind of like going sake bombing at a trendy new restaurant. Exotic and intoxicating.]
In the end, we love the Token Asian Betch because when they're not sleeping in the library, they're usually tearing shit up at a club or in the waxing room. Asian betches bring that special flavor to the bestie group, they're like the sweet-and-sour sauce to our steamed chicken and broccoli. To any Asian betch who's offended by this, we apologize. Don't worry, we're saying you're betchy, which is the ultimate compliment. However, if you're still offended, maybe you can teach us how to play a sad song on the world's smallest violin.