December 6, 2011
Throughout our betchy lives we hit many exciting milestones. The first being the most amazing miracle since the immaculate conception: the day we were born. Thanks to us being born, mom can now carelessly eat #72 sushi and pound shots while dad can be excited for mom to not be fat anymore. Yay for us! The next milestone is obv when we first start talking (shit). Then we hit our firsts, like our first graduation, first kiss, first hand job. All glorious kodak moments, yet the biggest day in a betch's life doesn't have anything to do with school or boys. It's when we turn twenty fucking one.
Now, some may wonder why betches even care about a milestone that celebrates you being able to do something you've already been doing since you were fourteen years old. Aside from now being able to feel less bad when you drunk dial your parents, let's talk about twenty one and why it is the epitome of betchdays.
Sure you can ask for shit during Decembetch and on graduation but your birthday is the only day it's all about you and the legalization of your blackouts. I mean, who doesn't love the spotlight? Being 21 is another great reason for your parents to buy you shit, for absolutely no reason. Suddenly, because you've been in this world for 21 random years, it's a free pass to spend thousands of dollars celebrating this amazing day filled with alcohol and lavish gifts. And finally all the bouncers at your college bars can know that you've been lying to them for the past 2 years and they can't do anything about it. Cue evil laugh.
Turning 21 is the last legitimate birthday you'll have when you're thrilled to be another year older. Not only will you have the little underage sluts in your sorority begging for your ID, but you can finally say things like "ew, get all of these freshman fuglies out of the bar. They're totally underage."
But stop right there and appreciate this year. You think you'll like being 22? More like you better start watching the clock and counting your fucking eggs, it's all downhill from here. Now getting your period is twice as petrifying, not only can you not have sex but you're losing yet ANOTHER egg. Oh the menstrual horror!
Also, no betch has to legitimize not having a job and living her amazing lifestyle of blacking out every night when she's still 21. That's an age to be partying and not having to deal with your friend with the shitty ID trying to talk her way into the bar because she's also not hot enough. A 21 year old betch should never be tied down because she's too fucking awesome and is at the age when bros from age 18 to 45 think it's appropriate to try to fuck her.
The only thing that sucks about being 21 is that next year you're 22 and in 5 years you'll be 27 and that's like almost 30. Ugh, vom. But remember, just because you're getting older and wiser doesn't mean it's like, not socially acceptable to blackout. In fact, as you get older we now have more reasons to blackout, like happy hour, first real job, first time getting fired, Tuesday, etc..
So betches, if you haven't turned 21 yet, start circling that calendar date and dreaming up all the ways you'll milk this epic moment in your life. And if you're already long past 21, realize it's time to stop fucking around and secure yourself someone who will listen to you #80 bitch and will love you for the five minutes you realize you have wrinkles before you get botox.