19. Ugly Hot

By The Betches

It goes without saying that a betch is very aware of her own beauty and hotness. We know that it’s never okay to stray from our #5 diets, and that even if your boyfriend gets fat, that’s never okay for you. Looking hot on top of having an amazing personality is what defines you.

However, we realize that in this world, there is somewhat of a double standard at work. Ever been perplexed by that bro from high school who had a string of gorgeous girlfriends even though he vaguely resembled Hagrid from Harry Potter? Or that guy who has fucked almost every girl you know despite that fact that his greasy dark hair makes him look like Tim Burton? This is because this bro possesses something, one of the most unspoken qualities that betches love. He is Ugly Hot.


Russell BrandYum.


It’s very apparent that an Ugly Hot guy is not classically good looking. In fact, many people on the street might look at you and wonder why you’re with that guy who’s clearly well below your attractiveness level. However, he still has that certain redeeming quality. Most often he’s hysterical, insanely cool, thinks he’s hot shit (and he actually is), and generally just oozes bro-yness. Suddenly it becomes easier to ignore his crooked nose, weak chin, chubby body, etc. because you’re mesmerized by his Ugly Hot vibe.

Since we’re making an exception for ugly people, let’s be clear. Ugly Hot is not your ex-boyfriend’s 250-pound dad who’s delusional enough to think that his 22-year old model girlfriend wants him for anything other than his money. Ugly Hot is not about appearance, it has to do with the attitude with which a guy carries himself and, most importantly, his game. Why am I so attracted to this bro whose facial hair is merging with his chest hair? Definite sign of Ugly Hot.

Ugly Hot is Jamie Lynn Siegler dating Turtle from Entourage. (Sorry, we don't know his real name because even though he's improved, he still slightly below our Ugly Hot threshold. Awkward.) Ugly Hot is Russell Brand dating Katy Perry. Is it because he’s the hottest Katy Perry can get? Obvs not, the girl’s a betch and can get anyone. But we doubt there are many girls out there who wouldn’t love to chill with the guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall who sings “Inside of You” while humping the ground. We’d find anything hysterical in that accent.

Maybe it’s his bad ass attitude, maybe it’s his funny nature, maybe it’s that you just don’t get why he wouldn’t return a phone call from someone as hot as you. Whatever the reason, Ugly Hot can be SOOOO hot.

Sadly, we’re pretty sure this doesn’t work the other way around. For girls, no matter how funny or smart you are, a bro probably won’t even talk to you long enough to unearth these qualities. So betches, if you’re lucky enough to snag yourself an Ugly Hot gem, hold onto him because it’s much better than a guy with a six-pack who makes you feel suicidal every time he speaks. After all, even Marilyn Manson managed to be engaged to Evan Rachel Wood for a little while.



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