November 29, 2011
So it’s the end of November and fat season is upon us. Yes, gone are the hot nights of summer when all we needed was a high-waisted skirt and a crop top...dressing like a slut never seemed so hard.
But just when you thought this was the perfect excuse to eat that bowl of pasta guilt-free, the fashion show of the year airs and you’re betch slapped back to reality. Fuck Oprah and Susan B. Anthony. Let’s talk about the real inspiration for American betches: the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The message: eating is never okay.
Betches love this fashion show because it gives us something to believe in amidst the ‘everybody is beautiful, beauty is on the inside’ bullshit from Dove commercials. Face it, those women are FUG. If real women have curves, betches are as fake as Hillary Duff's teeth.
Let’s talk about the angels and why they’re fucking amazing. First, they're the perfect image to conjure up during instances like that one time you had a temporary brain aneurysm and considered ordering a calorific vodka cranberry. Not only do they get paid like millions of dollars to #42 dress like a slut, but millions of people tune in to stare at them walk all of 50 feet and become so inspired by their performance that they'd regurgitate a 5-calorie stick of gum. Talk about a dream job, we only hope we can have the same effect.
Also, just when you've finally convinced yourself that these women might just be freaks of nature mutated with Avatars and overtaken by Brazilian witchcraft, Adriana Lima makes you feel like a fat piece of shit again. Even though the betch had a fucking baby six weeks before doing the fashion show, you'll see her walking the runway tonight. See, the VS fash show teaches us tons of valuable lessons like: No excuses, play like a
Alessandra Ambrosio will be wearing this year's Fantasy Bra, which only cost $2.5 mil. You and your $250 La Perla bra can go fuck yourselves.
This year’s show should be especially great because it features Justin Bieber, Bruno Mars and former betch of the week Rihanna as musical performers. As long as Selena Gomez doesn’t show up to punch Justin in the face for flirting with Barbara Palvin, we’re sure the performances will be amaz.
And if she does, it'll be even more amaz.
But just as you're agreeing that the VS fash show is the best thing ever, like anything that makes the obese fuglies feel bad about themselves, it's obvi not without controversy. Betch haters and fat people have been trying to shut down our fav show of the year down since like forever. In 2002 some ugly "feminists" protested the show calling it a "soft-core porn infomercial". When are lesbians going to learn to leave the hot people alone?
So betches, next time you think that living in the North in the winter gives you a free pass to stuff your face, watch the Victoria’s Secret fashion show and remember that ‘holiday season' is not a synonym for Fat History Month.