November 16, 2011
So we've talked a lot about #32 winning. But as relationships progress, you inevitably reach that stage where you've won so hard that you're actually in a relationship with a guy you like, who's also obviously obsessed with you.
Any misogynistic pro who's worth your time obviously thinks that being in a relationship means that he's finally locked down the ultimate hot betch who not only serves as delicious arm candy but someone who will always be there to critique your clothes and friends, in a loving way of course.
This all becomes clear when your relationship gets to the milestone that makes any true betch simultaneously the happiest she's ever been and also the most nauseous: The reciting of the 'I Love Yous'. Ugh, no good can come from this shit.
When to say it: Everyone has heard that horror story of that betch who thought she had her game in the bag and initiated that unreturned I Love You. The amount of losing that accompanies this is more depressing than watching a sad slut try to get laid at the bars. You should think of saying "I love you" first like you would volunteering to do the dishes after your housekeeper makes dinner. Something no sane person would EVER FUCKING DO.
The drunken I love you: Let's talk about the oh so annoying drunken I love you. It doesn't fucking count and you should not say it back unless he says it again sober the next morning. You'll come across the betch who claims, OMG he had 15 tequila shots, vommed all over my toilet seat and then swore he loved me as I fed him bread and water between fits of him urinating in my bed! We're meant to be I just knew it! I can't wait to tell our grandchildren about our first sober kiss! Little does she know that this bro would probably proclaim love to an orangutan if it promised to go down on him in his drunken stupor.
So, what if he says 'I love you' sober but you know you don't really love him? As flattering as that is, this situation is mucho awkz. Congrats, you've snagged yourself a back burner boyfriend. If a guy is saying he loves you and you don't feel it back, you know there's something wrong, like when your dad starts to review your credit card bill, or your period is 10 days late.
Do you still say it back? It's awkward not to say it back, so it's ok to tell this white lie. It's one of the few situations where it's not worth it to hurt his feelings, especially if your birthday is soon and you want him to get you something great. Also, who's to say you don't love this bro? I mean, you love your besties and you love froyo, why shouldn't the guy who gives you jewelry and orgasms deserve the same term of endearment?
The line is drawn at falsely saying "I'm in love with you," which is a very different story. I love you means "I actually care about you and want to continue hooking up with you." I'm in love with you means I like you so much I'd give up Diet Coke or the life of my fat cousin for you...oh, and I'd gladly stab any bitch who I see talking to you at the bars.
Being "in love": is a whole new playing field. This shit is deep. Though betches rarely
show feel emotion or affection (other than when your mom surprises you with a spa getaway or you find out the Casey Anthony story will be exploited on Lifetime...yayy),?it's not betchy to be an old cat-loving spinster, so the goal is obviously to find a bro who you love enough and is still a good actual fuck after mindfucking is out of the equation.
This is totally normal and cool as long it's a mutual thing. Otherwise, you're on a one way ticket to losertown, population: single you. We say bullshit to women who like to call themselves "independent" and "modern" as they claim they don't want to get married. Whatevski though, more guys for us. It's really no secret that all betches want to get married, however it is a secret that we're
shadily casually into romantic shit.
So betches, 10 Thing I Hate About You taught us that while you can like your Sketchers, true love is reserved for things like your Prada backpack and a bro who gets your stomach turning every time you smell his cashmere sweater. Feelings that make even the strongest of betches feel out of control are usually frowned upon, but for love we'll make an exception.
And for all you bros out there who can't help but shout it from the rooftops, we get it...If loving us were wrong we wouldn't want to be right either.