61. Yoga

By The Betches

As we've talked about at length, working out is an essential part of a betch’s life. The extent to which you (pretend to) work out says a lot about who you are and how you want to be portrayed to other betches. There are some betches who want everyone to know that they work out furiously, are always running to and from the gym, and are exercise bulimics extremely toned. These betches are doers and will probably do productive things like run marathons or become lesbians. On the other extreme exists the naturally skinny betch who claims she never works out. This betch is proud to be able to stuff her face and never go to the gym while watching all of her fatter betchy besties kill themselves on the elliptical. Sorry betch, can't help it if my genes are superior to yours!


McConaugheyMatthew McConaughey tanning while doing yoga on the beach, might be in line for betch of the week.


Finally, we have the betchiest of betches, for whom there is only one socially acceptable workout. Yoga. Betches love yoga for so many reasons, it's almost harder to think of things we don't like about it. The best part about yoga is that it makes you seem deep, meditative, and chill. Even though most betches are not these things, chanting out a salutation to the sun allows you to manipulate yourself into thinking you've reached a certain fake Zen. For the 45 minutes that you're in yoga, you’re given the chance to change up your manipulation tactics. For once, the only person you're fooling is yourself (into thinking you're really working out). Well, that's not entirely true. Yoga and pilates make you lean, like Jennifer Aniston. Who would pay a monthly gym membership fee to get man muscles when you could pay $30 an hour to stretch in a room with other betches and tell people, and bros, that you're super flexible and coordinated?

Yoga allows us to be girly while active! It's the perfect betch hobby. What betch hasn't felt like the shit, striding to her fav yoga spot wearing her tight Lululemon top and leggings? Walking around with our mat and bottle of Smart Water lets everyone think that we actually have shit to do.

Doing yoga is like working out without actually working out. Unlike annoying and intensive workouts like Soul Cycle or kickboxing class, doing yoga means we don't have to sweat and we can even go when we're hungover. Which, lets face it, is almost every day of the week. Betches don't consume enough calories to burn that shit off anyway. It also allows us to meditate and de-stress from everyday major problems that life throws our way, like the closing of our fav restaurant or the lack of shit to watch on TV.


girl doing yogaWhy the fuck won't he call me back!?


Let's talk about hot/bikram yoga versus regular yoga. Hot yoga makes you sweat and therefore feels like a bigger workout. However, it's totally disgusting and makes your hair look like shit. We'd advise against this or finding a class in a different county.

If you're a betch and you're looking for a hobby you can do after getting your nails done or before getting ready to go out, yoga's your move. You get to give people the vibe that you're worldy and have practiced the teachings of old, wise Hindu ugly people while being trendy and learning how to breathe when your mom is being annoying. Just make sure that when you're at yoga with your besties you're not the first awkward betch to fall out of tree pose. The only thing that will get you is a home workout sesh with Richard Simmons and your aunt. Namaste betch, don't talk to me until you've perfected fucking Warrior 2.



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