January 31, 2013
Tonight marks a very sad event for every betch, bro or nerd who has ever stubbed their toe and yelled “Blergh!” or looked at a fat blunt and longingly said “I want to go to there.” Yes friends, tonight is the series finale of 30 Rock and we are devastated to bid adieu to our dear friend Liz Lemon.
Even though Liz is a total nicegirl who lost her virginity at 25 (one year later than Tina Fey IRL) and she talks about food constantly, she makes us feel better about how cool we are.. She also taught us many valuable lessons like the song you must know when working on your night cheese, the importance of Lizzbeanism, and the fact that sometimes a lady likes to leave her blazer on. So in order to pay tribute to L.L., Jack, Tracy, Jenna, Kenneth and all the other weirdos that wandered the halls of TGS, we are sending off this amazing show with love from the Betches.
So, where do we even begin? Obviously with Jack Donaghy and seven years of insults so on point that they can make even our jabs at fat people seem like Anne Hathaway quotes. They were particularly amazing when in reference to Liz and her clothes/hygiene/life. Nice shoes Lemon, when is your cult committing suicide? We also want to congratulate him on finally getting CEO. We know right now he’s thoughtful-staring out a window, drinking a glass of scotch and wearing a fucking tuxedo of course.
Next, there are honestly no words to describe the fucking insanity that is Jenna and Tracy. I mean Jenna has a seriously fucked up sexual history with Mickey Rourke and during season 1 alone Tracy hallucinated a tiny blue person on live TV, bit Dakota Fanning’s face and ran down the 405 in his underwear screaming I am a Jedi. Not to mention the fact that they’ve both donned the opposite’s race and gender on more than one occasion.
So that just leaves Kenneth. Goon-faced, chin-lacking, rapture-loving Kenneth. As the series concludes, and he is now president of NBC, we are just so happy that he never let the city corrupt him with all its sardonic offerings like Jewish doughnuts and hot beverages (that’s the devil’s temperature!) He may or may not be 200 years old, but he has remained pure of heart and his love of television finally made his wildest dreams come true. We will so deeply miss Kenneth Ellen Parcel and if we ever run in to your mom’s friend Ron, we’ll give him a big fuck you on your behalf.
There are of course SO MANY other valuable characters that we could go on about forever like Grizz & DotCom, Pete, Lutz, Twofer, Danny, Sue, Wesley Snipes, Greenzo, Kim Jong-Il, Kelsey Grammer, the always wise Bon Jovi, any one of the seven featured janitors, and of course our dream doctor, Leo Spaceman (pronounced Spa-Che-Man), who gives himself an epidural before delivering a baby. Even Kim K stopped by once and despite the fact that she’s the worst person in the world, I almost didn’t hate her for that 15 seconds. Just another testament to the brilliance that is this masterpiece show.
So once and for all, we just want to say thank you to 30 Rock for all the laughs we have endured together over the years. We also want to thank whoever decided to put every episode on Netflix so that future generations can discover it for years to come we can watch it marathon style when we’re hungover. Until then remember betches, never go with a hippie to a second location.