February 2, 2015
In the most depressing news of life as we know it, Lip Smackers is going out of business. Seriously? Is nothing scared?! Lip Smackers and Lisa Frank WERE my childhood. The constant presence of watermelon Lip Smackers was what gave my life stability; it was something I could always rely on. Have I bought any since the 6th grade? Maybe once when I was drunk. But it’s not about the fact that I’d buy it or not, it’s about the fact that I could…it was always there waiting if I needed a faintly fruity finish for my naked lips. Yeah, maybe it didn’t do anything for chapped lips or give them any color or shine, but my 6th grade boyfriend never complained.
What’s really depressing is that future generations will never be able to experience the giddiness of buying a limited edition Dr. Pepper lip smacker or feel the rush of sliding the waxy raspberry lemonade gloss over your lips right before your first middle school dance. Poor kids. The fact that I can’t share Lip Smackers with my non-existent daughter is probably the most depressing thought I’ve had all year.
As if this news wasn’t already depressing AF, it turns out that only the Lip Smackers plant in the U.S. is closing, whereas the Asian, Australian and European factories are still in business. One of the God-given rights we have as Americans is the right to bear cheap, multi-flavored chap sticks and lip glosses, and now they’re taking that away from us and giving it to Korean children. So thanks, assholes, for robbing us of one of life’s greatest joys. Looks like my next international vacay will be spent stocking up on cotton candy chap stick instead of enjoying the European landscape.