A Guy Actually Shit on Me During Sex: Hookup Fookups | Betches

A Guy Actually Shit on Me During Sex: Hookup Fookups

By The Betches

Welcome to Hookup Fookups, where you, the readers, share your most ridiculous and embarrassing hookup failures for our enjoyment. I was floored by the response - I must have 50 stories sitting in my email. Not only that, but you all take direction well: All of them are a pleasant length, only a couple were douchey and only one stood out as an obvious fake (the giveaway? No one complains about a guy’s dick being too small in the context of a BJ). Anyway, keep them coming! Email your hookup debacles to me at [email protected]


And now, on to your hookup fookups:

#1 In Your Heart:

During my second drunken hook-up session with a seemingly-normal pro, I had the SATC moment I never wanted.  Midway into making out, he stopped and asked me if I had to pee.  I was about four cocktails in and while registering that it was odd timing, I took advantage of what I brushed off as a polite question and got up and headed toward the bathroom door.  He followed.  I still did not understand what was happening.  I asked him if he, uh, needed to go first?  He said no.  STILL not comprehending what was happening, I tried to go in and close the door and was annoyed when he again tried to follow me in. It was then he said he wanted to watch. 

Before I had time to get over my horror and speechlessness, he explained he wanted to watch me pee, and then asked if I would pee on him.  I had to stop myself from yelling no in his face and running away—after all, I was drunk, it was the middle of the night, and I was super tired from walking in heels for the past four hours.  So instead I just told him no and pushed him out of the bathroom.  The worst part is, I really did have to pee but couldn’t make myself go because I was so embarrassed by the thought of him listening outside the door. Afterward, I faked sleep and left as soon as possible.  I still can’t hold a straight face whenever I randomly see him out.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on, I guess.

Anon:

I was hooking up with this guy who lived in a house with 5 other dudes. They were all downtown at the bars but I guess they came back and we didn't lock the door. So 5 hammered guys burst into the room and catch us mid fuck. The guy I was hooking up with gets up grabs a bat and starts chasing them around the house- dick hanging out and all. So I get up put my clothes on and leave. Awk.

Baseball truly is America’s pastime.

Anon:

I have the most hilarious/terrible hookup story that happened to me this year. It started at Chowderfest (perfect place to find a hookup?) where we all got smashed while eating chowder. I saw this sexy hippie looking guy serving chowder who I thought looked a lot like James Franco (beer goggles are on betches). So I went up to talk to him and next thing I know, I'm smoking weed at his MOM's house..and his mom is there smoking with us. When he goes to the bathroom his mom uncomfortably starts asking me typical mom questions- "How long have you known so-and-so" "where did you two meet" etc. I just make up complete lies and when he comes back I immediately start acting tired and told him I wanted to go to bed.

He starts bringing me to the basement (great) and says that his room is down there. I get to the basement, and we sit on his bed and he starts asking me about my tattoos and if I thought they hurt when I got them, which I replied that they did but it was kind of an addicting hurt. He gets this huge smile on his face after I said that, and said "Then you're going to love this". I immediately think he's going to torture and murder me in his hippie home. He takes out this suitcase and opens it, and instead of a gun/knife there was a probe-looking object. He plugs it in and starts telling me that this will take all of the "negative energy" and "bad vibes" out of my body. I start to say "no thank you" and instead he touches me with the probe on my arm and SHOCKS me.

I let out a shriek and he keeps doing it, thinking that I'm having a great time getting electrocuted. Finally I stood up and said that I wanted to go home, but my phone decides to turn off and I have no way of getting a hold of any of my friends. He tells me to just sleep over, and we start hooking up against my better judgment. The sex was pretty much like a yoga class, he was pretty much instructing me with slow movements saying he learned these moves to stimulate women (it was not stimulating at all). I woke up the next morning awkwardly putting all my clothes back on, and he starts taking out oils, saying that these scents are the best to smell in the morning because they wake up your inner mind. My friends laugh about it to this day, calling him the hippie shocker.

GAHHH. Raped with a cattle prod!

GB:

You ask for a failed hook up and I have the goddamn Titanic.  I was at a party, a bottle of wine deep, and I set my eyes on a boy across the room.  One thing led to another I got him home. Now, let me preface this by saying, bottoming is never an easy task..

The guy def wanted to show me how good he was at it, and didn't really complain.  All of the sudden, it happened.  He accidentally shat on me.  And then tried to pretend it wasn't his.  As if it was a huge fucking mole, he played it off.  I got up, made him clean me with soap and water.  Took a bottle of wine as compensation, and deuced (no pun intended).  Graphic, yes.  Failed hook up, the most.

See, and I always figured bottoming was the easy part…

That’s it for this week. Remember, send me your best hookup implosions at [email protected]. Also, don’t forget to follow me on twitter




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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