January 23, 2013
Dear Tay Tay,
Ugh, where do we fucking start. We knew you were trouble when you walked in, but little did we know that you'd cause such an ongoing rift between betches worldwide over whether we love or hate you. No exagg, we've been debating for months if we should name you Betch of the Week or the next Anti-Betch once we run out of witty ways to say Anne Hathaway's a shithead.
It's just that on some days we hold as much disdain for you as we do the calories in sushi. Then on other days we're like, wow this girl became a huge pop star without doing any work besides dating celebrities,
talking singing shit about them in music vids of Rebecca Black caliber, and being really naturally #5 skinny. See our predicament?
Sure you look like a primitive seagull dressed in prairie garb, but we admire the fact that you can turn your crazy vibe into something endearing and have famous bros everywhere fall for you, only to publicly humiliate them when you turn them into human dart boards with your songs. Maybe try dating someone whose age isn't either twice or half yours. There are probably mothers giving birth right now, in fear of their baby's sex life going platinum before they're even circumcised.
But love you or hate you, please, whatever you do, stop trying to be a hipster with your beanies and head-scratching ocular choices. And please leave your hair crimper at home. Say goodbye to your cat eye makeup, those things are squinty enough. Once you take away all those things it only comes down to the fact that we really, really fucking hate/admire your whole fake nicegirl vibe. Just stop trying to act so innocent like oh I used to live in Africa with all the little birdies and the little monkeys, you had sex with John Mayer.
Oh yeah, and please never act in a movie ever again. Just continue to do what you do best: befriend famous families, serial date and break up with anyone who shows interest in you, age notwithstanding, wear clothes that make you look either 80 or 8 years old and keep singing Trouble...Or else we're not getting back together, like ever.