May 6, 2015
Dear Sensitive Male Serial Dater Genuinely Distraught Because So Many Girls Like You,
Turn off that “epic” Coldplay playlist you made last summer that helped you get over Ashley (which you then sent to Hannah who totally loved it) because shit’s about to get real. Not real like that super deep conversation you had with Amanda about how messed up patriarchy is, or the talk you had immediately after that with Jess about why Amanda has been acting so distant lately. Actual real.
While I understand that you’ve been in an existential crisis since you were 14 and are “totally confused and just trying to figure out what you want right now,” let’s face it: you’re a slut. And not even the fun kind. I’d consider it far more respectable for you to be sleeping with ten girls at once than to be individually courting them like you’re trying to make a nice girl prom queen. I don’t care if you buy all of them dinner or “care deeply” about each person, pick a fucking team.
“But I can’t help it that I connect so well with all these girls! It’s not my fault!” you think while staring off into the distance, outside Nicole’s door, flowers in hand. Let me be clear: it is your fault, because romance should only be repeatedly gestured towards girls that you’re legitimately interested in. “So I shouldn’t be a gentleman?” you protest in a whiny bitch voice, pouring over your journal after a long walk through the park with Amy.
NO. Because (spoiler alert!) it’s not just YOU they like. After 10 years of watching The Notebook and then realizing that Tinder Nightmares is the dating reality of our generation, they’re going to be pretty excited when you randomly start showering them with tons of affection. TBH, if you’re still responding to texts 5 days in a row then you’ve probably already gone too far.
You know all this, and yet you justify stringing along as many girls as possible with the idea that you’re treating them all like queens. I can’t. First of all, let’s all stop what we’re doing and try to locate your dick.The fact that you spent hundreds of dollars on different dates this past week and didn’t attempt to bone any of them is honestly pathetic. Instead you’re just mindfucking them into thinking you’re committed which is actually way worse. Also, why exactly is it that you insist on having so many girls emotionally attached to you at once? Are you trying to get all your periods to sync like I literally DGI.
Finally, and this is not a rhetorical question: what do you do in your spare time besides try to pick up girls? It’s a given that you probably only have one actual guy friend since you’re a total prick, but like how about getting a hobby? You could probably fit that into your sched if you stop acting out what would happen if Sternum from Moody’s Point got chosen as The Bachelor.
Your acoustic covers are awful,