April 17, 2014
Dealing with loss is something every betch has to do at one time or another, but like B’witched says, c’est la vie. I mean, I dealt with a painful loss last week when I lost two beloved inch of my hair to my bi-annual trim. I also lost a tube of Chapstick to the dryer today. It’s been an emotional week.
Betches handle loss in a variety of ways, usually by numbing the pain with alcohol. Not like in a scary AA kind of way, but like, if you just lost your iPhone because you were too wasted, obv the only way to get over the absence of your phone is to get so blackout you don’t remember it happened…and almost lose another phone in the process.
If for some reason a betch can’t get blackout, like maybe because it’s a Monday morning or because…actually, that’s really the only valid excuse I can come up with right now…there’s always social media.
But when you start posting about actually losing actual people you actually love, you reach the verge of taking things a bitttt too far and run the risk of being generally absurd. Let’s look at a couple examples.
Your parents are gunned down in cold blood right in front of you as you’re all leaving the theater one night, and you change your profile pic to one of you and them: Yea although betches usually try to keep the emotional distance of a stripper’s dad, this is pretty sweet and not too in-your-face. You get the Betches Stamp of Approval™. Absurd-o-Meter: 0
Your two best friends died in a horrible gasoline fight accident and you want to commemorate them in a brief Facebook status: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don’t mean like, actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think. RIP fellas. Keyword: brief. Keep it short and sweet so as not to offend, or like, clog up our feeds with a paragraph-long description of the time you, Rufus, Brint, and Meekus met at Starbucks because you all ordered orange mocha frappuccinos and you knew it was destiny. Also don’t tag them in it….that’s just kind of creepy. Unless you can check Facebook in heaven, in which case, we’re in. Plus all that takes a lot of time and don’t you have a funeral to go to? Aren’t you giving the eugoogoly? Absurd-o-Meter: 1.5
Your 95-year-old grandma died and you Tweeted about it: It’s not that we’re not sorry for your loss (we totally are, the world can't afford to lose more betchy grandmas), but like c’mon, did your grandma even have a Twitter? Is anyone’s grandma on Twitter, unless your grandma happens to be Betty White? Odds are g-ma doesn’t even know what Twitter is, and I doubt she’s smiling down on you from heaven because you chose to immortalize her life in 140 characters or less. Absurd-o-meter: 7
You finally had to put your 17-year-old dog down, and you commemorated him in a status that was longer than the last English paper you wrote: If The Lion King taught you anything, it’s that animals die. Usually quicker than humans, unless they’re sea turtles in which case they live until they’re 120 (according to Finding Nemo). SMH. We love our petches, but all dogs go to heaven and when that happens, you can just get another one. Like the same day if you want. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve seen someone’s dead dog status get more pity likes and comments than someone’s announcement that they found a job. Priorities, right? Is the entire essay really necessary? Like how broken up can you possibly be that you need to turn to the Facebook community of people you haven’t talked to since high school for sympathy? OK, I’m done. For now. Also, sidenote: if I ‘like’ your status, does that indicate that I’m happy your dog is dead? Absurd-o-meter: Belle Knox hosting a porn reality show
If you’re thinking of posting about something super personal on Facebook or the internet in general, ask yourself, “Would I want people I don’t even know to know about this?” Also ask yourself, “Would my dad be mad if he found out I asked my 1,574 Facebook friends to pray for him as he passes a kidney stone?” If the answer to either of those questions is yes, put down the iPhone and maybe like go to CVS and buy a Hallmark card or something.