March 12, 2013
Dear People Who Are Way Too Close To Their Mothers,
Don't get us wrong, we love our mothers. We are happy they exist, we are happy they like to buy us things, we are happy they love us so much, and we are happy that we don't live with them anymore. However, if you love your mom so much that the phrase "my mom is like, my best friend!" comes out of your mouth more than once a year, you are officially TFC: Too Fucking Close.
To the girls:
It is not okay to dial up your mom Saturday morning to tell her about how badly your vagina hurts from fucking that guy whose name you don't remember. It is not okay to delve into the details of how fucking wasted I, your bestie, got this weekend because I prefer not to know that the next time I speak to your mom she will be picturing me peeing in her daughter's stairwell. And finally, it is NOT okay to have your mom know either your grades, your prospective dates for the week, or your preferred brand of Trojan condom. You know who you are.
To the guys:
I'm sorry but even our #52 Gay BFFs aren't THAT close to their moms. We equate guys who are TFC to their mothers with guys who have noodles for dicks. It's like, no I do not want to see pictures of you groping your mother on Facebook, she is not your girlfriend, it is not okay to take trips alone to St. Maarten, it is not ok to kiss her on the lips and instagram it. It is not ok to have matching shirts, it is not ok to link arms while drinking wine, and finally it is not ok for me to think you are secretly fucking. In sum: it's not fucking okay.
I guess what we're really trying to say is that if you are unnaturally close to your mother, keep it in the family, and off instagram. Thank you very much Miss Lippy (a woman who was probably the product of a very close mother-daughter relationship).