A Strongly Worded Letter to Extremely Sad Charity Donation Commercials

By The Betches

To whomever it is trying to make me concerned,

These have to stop. I love animals, and I love poor African children more than the next betch. I genuinely wish that they could experience things like the wonders of bottled water. I'm more than down to attend and perhaps even throw galas in their honor. You know what I'm not down for? Being brought to tears during the commercials of Vanderpump Rules Secrets Revealed. You want me to donate 25 cents a day? I would pay 25 cents a day to NOT have to see that commercial.

More importantly, why are these commercials so fucking long? They're at least twice the length of your average advertisement. We get it, these lengthy and star-studded near-infomercials are the equivalent of the ASPCA having a Super Bowl commercial: something to show everyone how much money they have that they can afford one. Perhaps if these organizations spent half the money on their causes rather than buying double the ad space and paying half-celebrities to talk to me in a soothing-yet-so-annoying voice, there might be at least one or two less mosquito-bitten kids in Somalia. And for just five million dollars an ad buy, I wouldn't have to be crying in my living room for no fucking reason.

From the arms of the angels,

The Betches




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