June 18, 2012
Dear Facebook Displays of Affection,
Let’s describe this couple that we know. They started talking about a month into sophomore year and they were officially dating two weeks later. Throughout the first few months of their relationship they were inseparable: they hung out every night, took weekly trips to Ikea, and they both traveled home with one another to meet their families. However, towards the end of the semester, trouble in paradise struck. The perfect couple broke up...but then got back together. Then broke up again. Then they were back to hanging out but not officially back together. Then they were offish yet again.
You are like the creepy pedophiliac of former public enemy #1, Public Displays of Affection. Just when we thought PDA was our express ticket to vom city, here you showed up pervading news feeds everywhere. Like that weird relative who rubs you the wrong way, physically or metaphorically, you cloud my mind and ruin my Adderall high, bombarding me with pictures of a couples' feet on various surfaces and other shit I wish I had never seen.
Would I rather watch my ex make out with someone at a club or watch him make out all over the sandy beaches of Hawaii? I don't know FDA, but you leave me no choice. All that's missing is a Boyz II Men song and I've got myself a fucking wedding montage. But wait, I'm not the only lucky one who gets to witness this crap, now everyone does, all 1400 of my closest friends and grandparents.
Like Lindsay Lohan's tracking bracelet, you follow couples to all ends of the earth and give us a bi-weekly update on how they're progressing. You're like the weather.com of love. Profile picture together, profile picture apart. Storm clouds ahead, more than 60% chance there's been showers in the past few days. UV index is a 9? Looks like he caved and took her to formal...can't believe she wore that dress.
The only thing I want to know less than whether or not my frenemy has kissed her boyfriend atop the Eiffel Tower, is if my frenemy has a new bestie. FDA, I hate when you constantly update me on when 2 girls have become best friends forever temporarily. No I don't care if they 'had an amazing time last night omg lolz must do it again' or 'how come they haven't met before they're like twinz/ soulmates'. Mutually matching cover photos do not make me smile either.
But on the other hand, if I really wanted to, I could just ignore you. But why give you the satisfaction of avoidance? Oh FDA, our relationship is inappropriate and unhealthy. I wish I knew how to quit you.
In longing for my 20 minutes back,