A Strongly Worded Letter to Facebook Events

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Dear Zuck,

We need to talk. You’d think since you own Facebook, Instagram, and Whatsapp that you are flawless, but as they say, nobody’s perfect (except me). Case in point: Facebook events. They really suck, and it's time to have a discussion. Similar to...well, all of the decisions I made last Saturday night, I’m sure Facebook events seemed like a good idea at the time. And just like my raging hangover the following day, I wish they would just go away for good.

I know you have to be like, super smart to work at Facebook, so I want to know how the heck the person who came up with Facebook events ever made the cut. How did that pitch meeting go down? “Hey, you know what everybody totally loves to do? Make plans in a group text.” “You’re so right, no-name intern! Now what if we took the inefficiency of the group text, ensured that nobody will ever look at the invite, made it incredibly easy for people to flake, oh, and gave you the option of spamming your 5th grade gym teacher?” Yeah, I am pretty sure that’s exactly what happened. And yes, my gym teacher and I are friends on Facebook. He’s a total dilf—no dad bod to speak of, thank you very much.

Anyway, back to my point: Facebook events are literally the worst. Like my pushy Aunt Doris who can’t stop asking when I’ll settle down, I know you meant well. But now instead of being a quick and easy way to tell my 35 closest besties to come pregame at my place, it becomes a whole ordeal. First, I have to come up with a clever title or else people will talk shit. Then I have to choose a photo. Do I go with an accurate pic, the ironic route, or just a general photo of a stockpile of booze? Before I know it, I find myself popping a xanax just to deal with the stress of planning the plan of the event. Doesn’t that seem fucked up to you?

TG for me and betches everywhere, something new and better finally has come along: Wigo, the best thing to help you decide where to go out since you found your group’s BSCB. As Stefon would say, this app has everything: you can create events and invite your friends with one click. You can post photos and videos in the events. You can find and crash parties made by people you don’t know (yet). And the best part? Betches everywhere can use it. Wigo just graduated beyond college campuses, so you don’t have to go begging your alumni relations office for your old .edu address back. All you need is like, a smart phone. And friends.

If your phone has so many apps on it you can’t find the home screen, well, you should delete some shit because you’re going to want to make room for Wigo. It’s being called “the Tinder of going out” and is even funded by Tinder’s founders. Also, it’s only been around for a year and it’s already worth $15 million. 15. Fucking. Million. I’ll let that sink in. Not bad for an app created by three college dropouts. What’s up with that, BTW? Did I miss the memo that dropping out is the key to success nowadays? And where the fuck were you guys when my dad was giving me shit for being a creative writing major?

What I’m trying to say is, Wigo is going to be all anyone talks about and this is the one time you are allowed to act like a hipster and get it before it becomes too mainstream. Just a protip.

But I will thank you for one thing, Zuck: giving me something to talk shit about until Wigo came around. I mean, now that I’ve gotten over myself and downloaded the Messenger app, I have to bitch about something, right?

Good riddance,

The Betches





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