August 21, 2014
Dear Girls Who “Can’t Wait to Stay In Tonight”
After a busy week, we all like to unwind. But while my form of stress relief typically comes in the betchy form of blacking out with my besties, you cannot even FATHOM the thought of making it out of the house. Why? Because you’re sooo incredibly excited about this “epic” night in you have planned. I’m already judging you for telling me this in the first place, but then you have to go and give me a fucking play by play of your evening itinerary. UGH. You say something along the lines of:
“I can’t WAIT to just hop in my sweats and hang out in bed!”
“I’m going to have some WIIIINE, and COOOOOK and get ORGANIZEDDD.”
I really DGAF, but please feel free to continue while I think of any excuse to walk away.
“AND START A NEW SERIES ON NETFLIX, I HAVE LIKE 18 I’M DECIDING BETWEEN, AND THEN ORDER SEAMLESS, AND THEN CALL MY MOM AND THEN HAVE MORE WIIIINE….”
^This is you.
Now you’re practically foaming at the mouth and it’s starting to scare the shit out of me. Are you a 40-year-old divorcee? Why, in the prime of your life, are you so fucking excited about sitting on your couch all night? Wasn’t there a time when people were embarrassed about doing shit like this? Instead you’re asking me to validate the fact that you plan to watch 13 straight hours of television and eat your week’s caloric limit in one night. And I won’t because that is a prescription for diabetes and a muffin top, not your so-called “relaxation.”
Also, WTF is up with the fact that you people are even more active on social media than the fun ones who actually go out? Not only do I not care to hear about your planned night in, I ESPECIALLY don’t need a million Snapchats of you in a messy bun and duck lips documenting it. Why do you think it’s funny or flattering to alert everyone in your contact list that you’ve officially let yourself go? We keep that shit private where I was raised.
Maybe the most cringeworthy part of all of this is the following morning, when all the social people are together commiserating about our hangovers and uploading our best pics. You chime in like, “I feel GREAT! I got 14 hours of sleep last night!” Ummm FYI, no one should ever say that on a Sunday morning. It’s just sad and TBH it’s actually making me GLAD I took those 5 shots at 3 AM.
In sum, everyone is allowed the occasional night in, but if you’re so hyped up about yours that you need a Xanax, it’s time to reevaluate.
Netflix is not that exciting,