August 7, 2014
Dear Girls Who Think They're “One of the Guys,”
Even though we’ve already established that having guy friends isn’t an actual thing, you seem persistent about the fact that you’re an exception to this rule. You’re just like sooo chill and cool that guys can’t help but want to bro out with you all the time, right? Bitch, please. It’s one thing to have a few fiercely loyal nice guy “friends” who are willing to listen to you complain about shit for unwarranted amounts of time. But acting like you’re literally one of them? That’s just straight up fraud. Pick a fucking team.
You probably got this reputation initially because of some field hockey induced confused sexuality or the fact that you didn’t suck at pong one time—you know, classic guy stuff. And sure, I can see how in the beginning it’s appealing to be accepted into the male inner circle, even if it is under false pretenses. But the fact is, you take it way too fucking far. Like when you say shit like this to me about your supposed man clique:
“I know you maybe see them at parties and stuff… but these guys are ACTUALLY my friends. I really GET them, you know?”
No, I don’t know. Please tell me more about that one riveting sober conversation you had.
My biggest problem with girls claiming to be “one of the guys” is that it’s the fakest shit I’ve heard since I was told the same thing about Lance Bass. You CAN’T be one of the guys if you’re actually trying to fuck them the whole time. It just doesn’t work like that. And the fact that you somehow manage to pretend like you’re a normal member of the friend group after they’ve all touched your boobs is just a little beyond me. I can see your toner through those jeans.
To be fair, bros are largely responsible for perpetuating this whole conspiracy. If a betch inquires about the fact that a chick is literal butt-buddies with an entire pledge class, she’ll get a firm denial in response. In fact, guys will act like this girl is less sexually appealing than an AIDS monkey.
“Get with who? Annie? That would literally NEVER happen! She's just like one of us!” (wink)
If we’re being honest, acting like “one of the guys” is really just a pathetic cover-up for the fact that you’re actually a psychotic bitch, and it’s not worth it. Pretending to be a bro is the definition of trying way too hard in order to act like you’re not trying at all, like Urban Outfitters or that ‘messy’ bun you spent 45 minutes perfecting. Get over yourself and straighten your hair.
Prada envy > penis envy,