February 6, 2015
Dear Girls With Terrible Eyebrows,
This letter is addressed to two distinct and awful groups of people: girls with ridiculously thick eyebrows, and girls with ridiculously thin eyebrows. Both of these are massive problems that plague thousands of basic bitches, and both deserve to be dealt with.
"Call me old-fashioned, but I like it when eyebrows are made out of hair."
-Gandhi (actually some guy on Yik Yak, but it's important)
First, the girls who have taken bold brows to a totally different level. I know you think those caterpillars on your face are "on fleek," but I can assure you that Cara Delevingne wants nothing to do with you. If God gave you naturally thick brows, you have a decision to make about how bold you want to go, but if you have naturally sparse eyebrows there is NO EXCUSE for you to draw on two thick stripes above your eyes. It looks totally unnatural, and the look you're going for isn't even cute. That would be like if a guy didn't really have sideburns but he really wanted sideburns so he fucking drew sideburns on his face. COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. Brow pencils are not crayola markers, and there is no excuse for coloring outside the lines.
Now, for the girls who think one prickly line of hair is a good idea. Super thin eyebrows didn't look good when they were popular in the '90s, and they obviously look even worse now. For the love of God, just pick a normal fucking shape for your brows, and know when to put the tweezers down. There should literally be a law against getting brows waxed too thin, but I guess Congress has other things to worry about so just make better choices yourself.
There's clearly a happy medium when it comes to eyebrows, but approximately 80% of normal humans have managed to figure it out so there's really no excuse. The biggest part of overcoming shitty brows is realizing the problem, so everyone needs to take a good look in the mirror and ask themselves if they're committing a crime against body hair. Together we can make a better future with better brows.