June 4, 2015
Dear Graduating High School Seniors,
I graduated from high school...well, I won't say exactly when but let's just say it was a long fucking time ago, so the only time I should ever have to hear about you is when the news goes off on the latest idiotic way the teens are getting high. But thanks to the the internet, I have to hear about at least one of you a week, and it's all because of a little something called yearbook quotes.
Let's get one thing straight, okay? You're not that cool. If you're still drinking watermelon Smirnoff in a basement and have to get your parents to pick you up at parties, you're not cool, no matter how many rap puns you put in your yearbook quote. Nice job quoting Biggie, BTW—no scrawny white kid has ever done that before. Your "Fuck Bitches, Get Money"—written out using atomic symbols for various elements, no less—will totally make everyone forget you were a nerd.
What really gets me about this epidemic is most of the time, the quotes aren't even funny. Yep, you heard that right: I don't think the "Fuck Bitches, Get Money" stunt was funny. And I'll say it again, too. It's just like, the definition of TTH. But this isn't a personal diatribe against that one girl. I equally hate all yearbook quotes.
This is how yearbook quotes are supposed to work: everybody puts down the same John Lennon quote, or the "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow" thing. Everybody is happy, nobody goes viral, and I get to keep my sanity.