May 21, 2015
Dear Man Buns,
I see you all over my Instagram, snuggling up with various puppies, drawing foam hearts in my Venti skinny extra shot vanilla lattes, and serenading passersby with your mandolin because you think it's "art". Yes, man bun, I'm talking to you.
You're a cultural phenomenon that needs to be killed faster than the spider in my bedroom. Every guy from Seattle to Nashville is growing one of these puppies, and I become increasingly sickened with each one I see. What exactly is the statement you're trying to make with your man bun? That you can't afford shampoo? That you can't get hired anywhere that pays more than $11 an hour? Whatever it is, it's not attractive. You might as well be picking your nose and scratching your balls in public for all the female attention you're getting from your man bun. It's grungy, it's disgusting, and any woman you'd want to be seen with wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole.
Anything we can do, you can't do better. The man bun is the new man bag of the 90's, but less acceptable. If this is the hairstyle you see us in that literally says "I have zero fucks to give about life," why the hell do you think you can get away with pulling this off in public? If the girls who could make fetch happen if they wanted to decided to leave this trend be, you have as much of a shot of making this happen as you do with Kate Upton. Let me give you a hint to help you succeed since you clearly need it: we're always right. Now follow our advice and get rid of your man buns immediately if you ever want to get laid again.
Hair longer than 1/4" hasn't gotten my lady parts excited since Avril Lavigne's "Sk8r Boi," and even then, those skateboarding fiends knew better than to tie up their luscious locks. Nothing kills sex appeal faster than your man asking if you have any extra dry shampoo to secure their pony - trust me. What exactly is the style you're trying to mimic here anyway? Kokoum? News flash: Pocahontas picks the guy with great hair, and you get shot and die.
On behalf of all the women in the world: get a fucking haircut. They're like $7 at SportsClips and you can even use a fucking coupon. Like ombre hair and rose gold engagement rings, this trend too will die a sudden and painful death. You may be getting some now, because let's face it, we're swimming in a sea of dad bods, lumberjacks, and other equally unattractive men, but the tides will turn, and you'll soon be left behind for a group of men who actually have their shit together - or at least look like they do. Do yourselves a favor, do us a favor, and get rid of the man bun.