February 25, 2014
Dear Over Active Group Texters,
You are legit driving me insane. Do you have any idea the feeling of dread that came over me when I saw that your text had more than one recipient? This shit always starts innocently enough. You're having a pregame and you want to assign different alcohol for everyone to bring or make sure that everybody knows not to invite the dud, so you think, "Oh, I'll send out a casual group text."
No. Stop. Put the Iphone down. Don't fucking do it.
Why? Because group texts never die. Suddenly your precious pregame is over and I'm still getting thirty five texts a day that I do not give a single shit about. Seriously, was this pregame the best day of your fucking life? Like was it was so fucking fun and awesome for you that you need to text, "omg miss uuuuuuuuuu" multiple times a day? Oh, and while we're on the subject of shit that does not need to be sent, just because you're bringing up something that happened while we were together does NOT mean that is an inside joke. Like, if you drop your cup of wine during the pregame and spill it everywhere and we all laugh because you're clumsy as fuck, that doesn't mean that I need a text that says, "drop the cup! lololol" three days later. That's not an inside joke. We don't have any inside jokes. And you don't have any friends.
Your texts are making life awkward for everyone, and now each of your shitty jokes are followed by more texts that only say "haha" or are just a million heart emojis in a row because other people are too nice to ignore you. Now I'm trying to play fucking Candy Crush and can't because everybody is blowing up my phone, draining my battery and making it so I can't even ignore you properly.
Seriously, do the world a fucking favor and switch to the Facebook Group Message. That way you can spam everyone with your bullshit and I can either mute the conversation (for when I don't want to participate but I also want to make sure nobody talks shit about me) or straight-up leave the conversation (for when I want to say a big fuck you to everyone and drop the mic on my way out.)
I know this letter may have upset you, but please, don't text me or anybody else about this. I think we've all heard enough.