October 10, 2012
Dear Parents on Facebook,
Before we beg to ask why in the world you signed up for Facebook, we think a more important question is... how? We know you want to get in touch with your besties from high school, but how can you even find them? You can barely check your email. Honey, what does it mean if it says "password incorrect"? WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS?
The most obvious complaint is that we don't want you, as our parents, to be looking at our pictures and cramping our online profile style. Just because I accepted you as a friend doesn't give you permission to peruse my friend lists and click as you please because then I'm left to deal with the situation where the guy I've been very casually hooking up with asks me very not so casually if Carl Miller is my dad, and why did he just friend him.
Also, why must you sign your name on every single thing you write... in caps lock. Like what, you're afraid you may have accidentally hacked into someone else's account and were posting from theirs? Because you can hack? You can hardly write on my wall. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS IN THIS PICTURE. DON'T FORGET TO CALL YOUR GRANDMOTHER LATER. XOX LESLIE (MOM)
[Side story: My grandma asks my mom to make her a Facebook so that she see pictures of her grandkids from different states and then she sets her status as "Please send me pictures of you and your children." I wonder if protective services ever ended up calling her.]
The best/worst is when you actually have no clue what you're doing, like that three month period when you thought you were writing on your friends' walls but kept continuously posting on your own. And even though you don't know that your Words with Friends is connected to Facebook, the rest of us do. Sam tell your mom congrats, she just played DICKS for 45 points.
An actual conversation:
Betch 1's mom: Did you know that Betch 2's mom has been buying cows lately?
Betch 1: What the fuck are you talking about.
So, Parents on Facebook, please don't click attending on my friends' birthday pregame invitations, especially because you just had to google what a pregame is. And yes mother, Betch 2's mom will still have time to go shopping with you next week because she has not moved to a real farm because those are not real cows...and no I don't think you should friend my gynecologist.