August 4, 2014
Dear Parking Enforcement Ladies (if I can even call you that),
I have always had an issue with you entitled parking enforcement officers. Just because you have the ability to ruin our days with your fucking little yellow slips of paper doesn’t make us blind to the horrific camel toe you have in those khaki pants. Your job has always been a fucking joke but even more so over the past few years with the blinking lights they have installed in the parking meters. You don’t even have to take a walk down the street to check if the meters are out of money anymore (even though you desperately need the exercise). You just drive around in your little car looking for the flashing red lights and when you see one you stop your car in the middle of the intersection and get out to write us tickets. Like isn’t it a parking violation to leave your vehicle in the middle of the road? Hypocritical much?
And the parking tickets that you have given me because I “misread” the signs are a bigger joke than your love life. So I’m not supposed to text and drive or even change the song on my Spotify yet I’m supposed to decode this bullshit while trying to also stay focused on the road? I don’t think so.
And LITERALLY what the fuck is street sweeping? I swear this is some made up mafia bullshit because I have yet to see an actual street sweeping vehicle in action. All I see are your fucking parking enforcement vehicles passing out our $75 tickets. I could pay a full year salary for Starbucks to hire a valet attendant with all my street sweeping tickets.
And I would like to conclude with a personal fuck you to the parking enforcement lady with the mullet (I understand that may be vague since that is probably a high percentage of you) for continuing to write my ticket when I came to move my car at 8:02 am (street sweeping is listed from 8-10 am on my street). Just because I ran up in my heels does not mean I am stupid honey. Don’t act all high and mighty because you are comfortable standing there like a dud in your New Balance tennis shoes. Literally Talbots is more chic than you.
And I know for a fact I could outrun you and your muffin top even in my heels. I pleaded with you and told you that I got ready early so that I could move my car in time and you ignored me and continued to write the ticket, slid it under my windshield wiper, and proceeded to get back into your parking enforcement Prius without saying a word to me. You then drove up to the next car that was ten feet in front of mine. Like, really? Was that necessary to drive that distance? I know the Prius is eco friendly and all but is still isn't meant to drive ten fucking feet lady. With $75 street sweeping tickets I think vehicular manslaughter may be a cheaper option for me at this point so you better watch the fuck out.
A pissed off betch just out here tryna park.
P.S. Can I get a quick lol to the ones who ride around on bikes? I’m gonna start keeping eggs in the backseat of my car to throw at their helmeted heads as I drive past them ticketing someone.