September 24, 2014
Dear People Who Are In A Relationship With Their Pets,
Before your head explodes at the fact that I might possibly question the sacred relationship between you and your pet, let me say this: animals are great. I have an adorable puppy of my own, I cried during Air Bud and I follow at least five different pet Instagram accounts. I am not questioning the fact that people share a special bond with animals or saying that you shouldn’t show your pet a lot of love. But sometimes you take it way too damn far.
For example, when you have people over your place and act like you two are the only ones in the room. The rest of us are socializing and had planned on hanging out with you because jeez idk, you fucking invited us over. But apparently ALL of the time you spend at home with Fluffers just isn’t enough, you have to be snuggling and playing with him the entire time we’re there. It’s honestly awkward, like…do you want us to leave you guys alone? Get you two a hotel room? WTF.
You also make me feel really uncomfy by constantly showing me pictures of your pet all the time and asking me to affirm things like, “ISN’T SHE PERFECT?!?” “ISN’T SHE LITERALLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE TO WALK THE EARTH?!” Don’t get me wrong, some pets are fucking perfect. Like Boo, The World’s Cutest Dog, who I would do terrible, terrible things to meet. But 99 times out of 100, your pet is not as cute as Boo. In fact, it’s really just pretty average looking. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s the same deal with humans—some just objectively aren’t that pretty. Don’t make me lie to you and tell you your cat is the most adorable thing ever when I don’t even want to pet her.
You people are also the type to stop total strangers on the street who are walking their dogs and start petting them. This always makes me feel sooo weird. Like just because their dog is outside and it’s cute does not mean you got a fucking invitation to smother it and then force its owners to endure an annoying ten minute convo with you. “What kind of breed is it? How old is she? Isn’t it a nice day it is outside? What are you doing later? What’s your address?” Like, BACK THE FUCK OFF.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that no matter how much you love pets, please do us all a favor and don’t forget the rules of human socialization. You might need them someday when you get sick of being a cat lady.