October 1, 2014
Dear Lazy AF Parasites,
There is absolutely nothing worse than people who think they can get away with using betches. As betches, we obvs have crazy busy schedules jam packed with not doing work, getting our hair blown out, and bitching about shit regularly. So it’s just really frustrating when people think they can take advantage of our beauty and wit by constantly asking us to do shit for them.
Don't get us wrong – betches love helping out besties by doing shit like setting them up with hot bros, telling them they actually look kinda fat in that body con dress from three years ago, and holding back their hair when they had too many fish bowls at happy hour.
But to these moochers who think it’s okay to try and constantly ask favors of a betch – you need to learn how to start doing things for yourself or maybe like, hire an assistant. Stop thinking that by saying shit like “Oh I promise this is the last time I ask you to get me a coffee before class!” or “You are the greatest person EVER wow thanks so much for bringing my cat to the vet!” will make being a lazy suck up ever okay. Betches know we are the greatest people ever – we don’t need your over-complimentary ass to tell us.
There are usually different types of favors that are asked of a betch. There’s the constant request to get a ride somewhere. Does it look like I’ll be sober tonight? No, I can’t drive your boring ass to the restaurant. Why don’t you order Seamless? Actually on second thought you don’t really fit in your jeans lately so can you maybe not?
Some losers think they can get away with constantly having us pay for them when out. The bar example is a classic. You’re all out for drinks on a Thursday (the best day of the week until the dud decided to tag along) and this favor-seeking fuck decides to laugh and say something like “The next one's on me!” Flash forward to seven drinks later and guess who’s still paying. Not her. Betches are not cheap and love to treat their friends to things occasionally, but when our favors are taken to a new level of “I’m clearly using you” then that’s where the gloves come off and our wallets (and hearts) close.
At the end of the day you can spot these bums from miles away so you can easily stay away. They’re always the ones wearing all borrowed clothes (from their besties that they promised they would give back the next day) and with the big endearing smiles on their faces hoping to get away with asking another favor. The answer is no so stop asking.
A betch tired of pretending to tolerate you