August 7, 2015
Dear person sitting way too close to me in public,
Do you see that open seat over there, right next to not me? Go occupy it. And let me tell you, weird person half an inch from my body: there is nothing okay about your behavior, and I will tell you why.
1. I do not want to smell you. Nothing is more horrifying than a looming stranger and their odor coming at you like a bullet.
2. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. Much like your average America’s Next Top Model Contestant, I did not come here, to the freaking subway, to make friends. The worst thing in the world is a charged smile from a stranger who’s a little too close. I would like you to leave my bubble and take your friendly attitude with you.
3. Have you heard of Ebola? Or the bird flu? Or the common cold? Yeah, I don’t want it.
Just generally speaking, if I can see your pores you are too close. If I can see the details of your face besides nose, eyes and mouth, you are too close. If I can smell you you are way too close. Just go to the corner with your headphones like a normal person and we can mutually respect each other from a far.