February 27, 2014
Dear People Who Post Political Shit on Facebook,
First of all, shame on you for doing something that literally everybody knows is annoying. Seriously, at this point I almost want to post a status asking Obama to make a law where anybody who posts dumb political shit on Facebook immediately has their right to post statuses revoked, but I would never do that because I would never post anything political on Facebook. Like I get that free speech is important but what about my freedom to be on the internet for more than five minutes without experiencing a rage blackout? What about the good of the people?
But I'm not writing you this letter because you posted normal political bullshit. No, I'm writing you this letter because you posted something so stupid, so misinformed, so riddled with grammatical errors, that I actually responded. After years of actively avoiding the news in any form, you actually managed to post something that even I knew was not only wrong, but dumb as fuck. I broke my vow of Facebook political silence and actually responded to you, and now my life is fucking ruined. You are a life ruiner. You ruin lives.
Why? Because it's three hours and a hundred and fifty notifications later and I don't even remember what the fuck you said that pissed me off so much in the first place. Now I'm balls deep in a conversation that I do not ultimately give a shit about and no matter how hard I try to get myself out, no matter how many times I tell myself I'm just do what I do best and ignore you or how many times I remind myself that I don't actually care if poor orphans have food stamps or whatever, I somehow keep getting pulled back in. I got on Facebook so that I could casually analyze pics of my ex and exchange hilarious comments with my besties, but now I'm stuck reading novel-length comment after novel-length comment from people who I do not know at all but somehow hate more than I hate anyone who I've actually met IRL.
And it's all your fucking fault. It's your fault because you couldn't keep your bullshit to yourself. It's your fault because you couldn't follow the number one rule of Facebook. If your post isn't a joke or a picture of yourself looking hot, do not post it.
This letter is to formally request that you do me and everyone else with a newsfeed a favor and get a fucking blog. They're free, and you can write whatever you want on there and I'll never have to see it because I would literally allow myself to gain ten pounds before I would ever, ever, follow your tumblr.
If I wanted to hear nonsensical outdated rants I'd call my grandma,