October 14, 2014
Dear People Who Think They’re Cool When They Know Rap Lyrics,
In a world where EDM and Calvin Harris remixes prevail, it can be easy to get nostalgic about the days when songs actually had words. Rap music is an obvious solution to this, especially considering the fact that it promotes some of our most beloved party pastimes. Teen drinking, spending a shit ton of money, substance abuse—it almost makes you want to say a Lil’ Jon “YEAYAH” until you remember how f-ing annoying that sounds. All that being said however, I have TBH with you—I will never, ever be impressed by how many rap lyrics you know.
The first issue, and let’s just get this one out of the way, is quite simple: you’re white. Not Eminem-in-8 Mile white, Patagonia-sweatshirt-wearing white. Yeezus hates you. And Jesus probably does too. I don’t care how many words you know, please stop trying to say that Started From the Bottom is “YOUR SONG.” It doesn’t fucking apply to you.
Next is the fact that it's so fucking oblivious how dumb you look, since you’re not even paying attention to what the words actually mean. You’re just so proud of yourself for saying them all really fast that you feel entitled to move your hands around like you’ve got fans at a concert. Guess what tho—no one wants to touch you!!
In fact, it’s actually super creepy how you keep trying to make eye contact with everyone while you rap so you can get some appreciation for being so “hood.” FYI, it’s really not all that cool that you memorized the 10,000 words Shaggy managed to say in a minute. How many times did you listen to that song at home? How many group dinners did you miss?
While this is an issue with seemingly endless tryhards and various rap hits, there is one song in particular that stands out as causing the worst offenders of this: The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme. If I hear one more person start flipping out when that song comes on because “OH MY GAWWW I KNOW LIKE ALL THE WORDS TO THIS” I will literally karate chop their throat so they may never sing again.
We all know the fucking words.