A Strongly Worded Letter To People Who Try To Start Conversation With Me

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Dear People Who Mistakenly Think I Want To Speak To Them,

I’m shocked the Head Pro hasn’t already scolded you because you people are literally the worst. Can’t you see that I’m clearly trying to go somewhere, as opposed to wandering the streets in search of conversation, like you seem to be doing? I thought my extra-betchy resting betch face was an obvious sign that no, I do not want to stop and chat with a rando, but next time I’ll be sure to wear my T-shirt that says, “Fuck Off.”

I’m already late to work and I don’t have time to engage in a five-minute conversation with you about the weather. Yes, it’s hot out today. It is summer, in case you’ve forgotten. Why are you acting like you’ve just uncovered some secret nuclear launch code? Now I totally get what Sweet Brown was talking about because I literally ain’t got time for this.

I’m going to take it one step further: why are there people who insist on saying “Hi, how are you” to people they don’t know? As a person who just likes to mind my own business, this behavior is mind-blowing. I have literally never before seen you in my life so why are we pretending like we know each other? You don’t care how I’m doing. My own friends don’t even care how I’m doing. This interaction is faker than potentially Iggy Azalea’s ass (jury is still out) and it's kind of creepy if you ask me.

One time I was at my friend’s place and this random lady said hi to me. At first I didn’t think she was talking to me because we’d never met and I don’t even go here but then just to make sure I knew she was talking to me, she said hi again. Damn lady, do you want a hello that badly that you’re going to force it out of random strangers? Or is this like when Oprah goes into Hermès and the greeter makes extra sure to say hi to her so she knows they’re watching her so she doesn’t steal anything? IDGI.

There’s a difference between being polite and being intrusive. A head nod is enough. Split-second eye contact is enough. A close-lipped smile is enough, but just pushing it. Verbal communication is in no way necessary and frankly if you’re a man trying to make small talk with me, just know that I have my mace ready to go and I’ve already memorized your height, weight, race, eye color, and any identifying scars or tattoos. So no funny business.

If you want to talk to someone so badly, there are many options: you can do speed dating. You can go on an internet chat room. You can go get a volleyball and paint your hand print on it, for all I care. Stopping a stranger in her tracks should NEVER be one of those options.

As the great philosopher Chris Bridges once said, “Get back, mothafucka. You don’t know me like that.”

Now move bitch, get out the way,

The Betches.




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