A Strongly Worded Letter To People With Automated Email Replies

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Let’s skip the lofty introductions and get right to it: people who set up automatic email replies are the worst types of people. Between the constant Delta fare “sales” (umm, $175 one-way between Atlanta and New York is not a deal, Delta) and the daily newsletters from the website I bought one skirt from back in 2007, I have enough bullshit clogging up my inbox.  Not to mention, why does everyone think I need a penis enhancement? I digress. I don’t need an auto-reply telling me that you’ll be out of the country with limited access to email (where tf are you going, that has no access to email? West Africa?), or that if I need to reach you I can email your assistant Kelly, or if it’s super urgent I can call Kelly on her cell and if she doesn’t pick up her cell I should call her on her home phone. Like no, I will do none of those things. Just chill.

I really don’t give a shit that you’re out of the office “on vacation” between October 18th-20th and you’ll return my email when you get back. First of all, I mean if someone takes more than 48 hours to answer an email it’s pretty safe to assume that they’re away from their computer. I will not die of anticipation waiting for you to get back to me. I also will not call Kelly. I will do what every sane person does, and wait it out. Second of all, who tf goes on vacation in the middle of the week in October?

Seeing my inbox light up with a new message, only to find out that it’s an auto reply, is almost as annoying as those emails I get from Mailer-Daemon. Seriously, who is that guy and how did he get my email?

Not to mention, none of you people turn your auto-replies off when you get back from your elusive destinations so I’m still getting them even though you should’ve gotten back about a week ago (week ago).

Fuck with us and then we tweaking ho,

The Betches




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