A Strongly Worded Letter To Uptown Funk You Up

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Dear Uptown Funk You Up,

When you first came out, you were pretty catchy. It was hard not to groove to you. Even though part of me wanted to say, “Hey Bruno Mars, the 80’s called, they want….literally every element of that entire song back.” Like, it’s one thing to borrow funk elements and it’s another thing to invent a time machine and completely plagiarize an early Prince song before he even realizes he’s written it, but whatever that’s none of my business.

But if too much of a good thing can ruin something as amazing as pizza, it can sure as shit ruin a decent Bruno Mars song. And ruined it is. Uptown Funk was cool when I heard it on the radio every week and a half or so, but now this shit is everywhere: Sports center, car commercials, the fucking marching band at your high school basketball game…this song is the definition of “doing too much.” I can’t even watch a fucking Empire trailer without this song popping up some way, somehow. Stop. Do less. Preferably so much less that you just disappear from my life completely.

Now every time I hear that song part of me wants to get up and dance through the streets (BECAUSE GODDAMNIT THOSE HORNS ARE STILL INFECTIOUS), and the other part of me wants to pull a Van Gogh on both of my ears. How can something be so catchy and so fucking annoying at the same time? Is Bruno Mars purposefully torturing us with repetitive-ass songs to make up for all the years of bullying he faced for being as tall as a fun-sized candy bar? Is it because his Superbowl halftime show didn’t have a shark?

I could go on for another couple paragraphs, but there’s no need. You get the point: I’m fucking sick of this song. It’s quickly pulling ahead of Shake it Off in terms of “which song makes me want to slam my head repeatedly against my dashboard,” and that’s really saying something.


The Betches




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