A Thank You Note To That Person Doing Worse Than Me

To that person always doing just a little bit worse than me,

For as long as I can remember, you’ve been lagging behind the rest of us. Not so much that it wouldn’t make sense to compare us; we took classes together, played the same sports, ultimately got similar jobs and went on the same amount of dates. You just couldn’t seem to get any of it quite right. I want to thank you for that, and for allowing me to stand by your side every step of the way, looking significantly better. 

Thank you for your eyeliner, which is never on properly and makes you look like you’re permanently just waking up from a nap. Thank you for never knowing what day it is, and for always having a drink that explodes in your purse. Thanks for getting violently ill on every vacation, so that I can have even more of a blast. And of course, thanks for having both scoliosis and lice. That was a huge help.

If I’m bitter about a grade on a test, all I have to do is ask how you did to feel better. Oh, you filled out the Scantron in pen, had to retake it and still got a 64? Just what I needed to hear. Also, no matter how late I am to work or important sober events, you’re always a minimum of fifteen minutes behind me. It’s genuinely impressive and I don’t want you to think that’s gone unnoticed.

I appreciate all of the things you can’t do, like run a mile, talk about current events, or land a joke. And I could never forget all of your shockingly poor choices of judgment. The bold risk you took with your haircut, right before my birthday party, that really didn’t pay off, was the best gift you could have given me. I looked so good in those pictures.

Later that night, as I watched you drunk eat four slices of pizza, vomit and then make out with the ugliest person I’ve ever seen, I realized something important: I’m amazing. Am I perfect? No, but you exist, and therefore I am thriving.

I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. Maybe get my life together, but I’m so glad I don’t have to find out. Keep underdressing, posting those horrendous FB statuses, and permanently having a UTI. You make me feel on top of the world everyday!

Not really wishing you the best,

The Betches





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