July 10, 2012
We would like to congratulate you on successfully not doing work for an entire 12 months; you may quite possibly be the 2nd coming of the Messiah. You were the first daughter born into the most beautiful family to have ever lived, most likely immaculately conceived.
When we looked you up on Wikipedia, we discovered that you in fact do not have your own page. Maybe your parents should have one of their interns make you one, or if you want we can have one of our interns make you one. When you are old enough to actually chill, we'll probably hate you for being younger, hotter and more mayja than we are. Until then, have fun sitting on your cashmere lined ass you spoiled little betch.
We might ask: Harper, what presents did your betchy parents bestow upon you? Baby Tods? A Chanel onesie? J12 for the 1-inch wrist? Infant Van Cleef? The writers of Suri's Burn Book are dying to know.