July 5, 2011
Since betches are such a powerful force in society, it seems natural that we should have our own language, which thankfully we already do! If you’re a true betch, don’t worry, you’re already fluent. Yes, that’s right, we’re talking about our favorite form of communication, speaking in abbrevs.
Betches love to abbreviate anything. We’re very busy people and it saves us a lot of time. Who has time for anything these days, between hot yoga, finding someone to do our homework, and picking up iced coffee? Every time you say “definitely” instead of “def,” or “totes,” you’re wasting half a second of your precious life.
The standard abbreviations that everyone uses are pretty straight forward, but every once in a while you may come across a betch who speaks in her own special dialect. Her entire life sounds like one huge instant message from 2001. TTYL! BRB! OMG! She will actually say these letters in conversation, and usually no one will acknowledge how weird it is. Forget Shakespeare, it’s like, totes obvi that using abbrevs would’ve made his sonnets wayyyy shorter. That’s right, betches are efficient.
A common habit is the highly necessary addition of ‘Z’ to the end of any word, or to replace ‘S’ at the end of something that’s pluralized. While betch-haters and old people might need a second to register what it means when we ask our parents for some “dollaz to go to PV for SB, where I’ll finally get to cash in my V!”... every betch knows exactly what was just said. Triz story.
A betch can abbreviate anything. Just when you thought certain words couldn’t be abbreviated any more, a betch will easily prove you wrong.
For example, “FYI, I’m going to The VS to get some more Ty-Ty PM. Need anything?”
After this, even her bestie might be confused. “What the FUCK are you talking about?”
“Obvi, I’m just saying that I need to go to CVS to get more Tylenol PM! Get with it, betch!”
(Side note: sometimes abbreviations become a hybrid between a #9 nickname and an abbrev. See what we did there with CVS? The betchiest among us will know how to cleverly abbreviate things that are already abbreviated.)
Abbrevs are extremely useful in every day life, and we’re surprised that they haven’t caught on so quickly amongst the general population. You got in a fight with someone at the bar? That bitch is a fat C! Sorry she's just jeal of my BF! How do I tell Marissa that she looks chubs in that shirt? Awk sauce!
Abbrevs, along with nicknames, are some of the most helpful tools we have for #1 talking shit. Some people are so awful that they only deserve to have a few letters of their name spoken, kind of like Voldemort. TG I didn't run into ADR in the lobby today, she never shuts the fuck up and I just wanna go back to my apt and smoke pot!
You can truly tell a betch's feelings by how she abbreviates and in what context. When you text your BFF Becky and she throws you the "nm u," you know the betch is pissed. If you get one of these, you should just respond with "K." A true betch knows how to unlock the power of the various versions of "okay" to convey her mood.
Twitter, with its 140 character limit, is the perfect outlet for betches to use abbrevs without being criticized for butchering the English language. How else do you expect us to tell everyone the really complex and important thoughts in our heads in so few words? Abbrevs to the rescue!
We also like to use abbrevs while #2 not keeping up with the news in order to reference our favorite celebrity gossip. Linzlo’s out of jail, TomKat is obvs so unhappy, do you think KFed will ever make a comeback? Ugh, miss him.
Betches love abbrevs. They bond us with other betches. However, if you find yourself telling your great-aunt that you’re D to go to lunch, or your boss that you probz won’t make it to the office on Fri, beware that some people might not take you seriously. Like all historical injustices that take time to reform, such as segregation and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, we’re still fighting for the Right to Abbrev. When betches take over the Sup Court and the House of Reps, our first law will be to implement Abbrevs as a Second Language. Adios, ESL!