The Bachelor is about to enter its 22nd season, and with 15 years, 20 bachelors and only two marriages to its name, ABC should probably start investing more in its success stats and less in Chris Harrison’s salary. For real, though, how much do we think that useless man makes? It’s been anywhere between 15 years and like, three months since these men handed out a Neil Lane freebie that they then had to return, and while some of them have since found love or marriage or both IRL, almost half of them are still single as fuck. So in preparation of Arie’s journey towards public engagement and public post engagement single life finding true love, let’s check in on our still tragically eligible bachelors. And while we’re at it, let’s make entirely uninformed judgments on whether or not they will ever find love—because, why not?
Alex Michel, Season 1
First of all, let’s take a minute to truly appreciate this photo: Chris Harrison’s jacket is like, five sizes too big and he also looks like he knows what the next 15 year of his life will be—sad. Anyway, Alex is now 47 years old and works as an exec at a technology company in NYC. Which is funny because he basically disappeared after his season, does not appear to use technology, and is probably a hermit.
Chances of finding love: Definitely slimmer than Chris Harrison’s suit fit. Sorry, can’t get over that picture.
Travis Lane Stork, Season 8
They used to have doctors as leads? I have never watched a season where the Bachelor even had a real job. Now divorced, Travis is co-host of daytime talk show The Doctors. Glad to see he was able to turn reality TV into a career—fuck love, that’s the true Bachelor dream.
Chances of finding love: V likely, he’s a doctor with a TV show.
Prince Lorenzo Borghese, Season 9
Legit don’t understand how this guy is still single. He’s a prince, runs a pet spa, and all of his Instagram photos are with adorable puppies. I’m sorry, but is that not every woman’s dream?
Chances of finding love: Currently sliding into his DM’s….
Andy Baldwin, Season 10
Wait, this dude’s a doctor too? WTF, ABC has seriously lowered their “desirable life partner” standards over the years.
Chances of finding love: He’s a humanitarian navy doctor—if he can’t find love, no one can.
Brad Womack, Season 11, 15
Shocker. The two-time loser lead who couldn’t make it work with Emily Maynard still hasn’t found someone who can put up with him. The dude’s last tweet was in 2011 so I can only imagine that he is living somewhere in shame and sorrow, regretting the day he decided it was smart to do a second season.
Chances of finding love: Yea, no.
Jake Pavelka, Season 14
IMHO, Anyone who would think marrying Vienna was a good idea sorta deserves to be single. But props to him for turning pretending to be in love into a career as an actor on The Bold and the Beautiful.
Chances of finding love: Daytime television is the perfect place to fall in love!
Chris Soules, Season 19
Single and awaiting trial for fleeing the scene of a fatal car accident. Let me just remind you that a few seasons ago they were pimping doctors. I repeat—standards dropped.
Chances of finding love: I bet he’ll be popular in prison.
Ben Higgins, Season 20
Newly single and almost ready to mingle. He may still be reeling from his breakup with Lauren, but I bet he is already on the lookout for his future political wife. Democrats need not apply.
Chances of finding love: About as good as the chances of him finding a personality.
Nick Viall, Season 21
Not sure what’s more depressing—the first ever Bachelor being single, or the most recent Bachelor being single? His poor super hot mom—she’s been through so much.
Chances of finding love: Can’t wait to see him on Bachelor in Paradise, season 4!
