December 1, 2014
It's December betches, which means it's time to open up door number one on our advent shit talking calendars. Let us give thanks for all the stupid shit other people do that bring us such joy to talk about.
Thank you, Abigail Breslin, for releasing literally the worst revenge song of all time, accompanied by a music video that looks like it was directed by a 12 year old and shot on a flip cam. If you haven't seen it yet, stop reading and watch that train wreck right now. I'll wait.
It's nice to know that Limited Too is still in business, I bet they made a hot $45 supplying the wardrobe. Like, what the fuck happened Little Ms. Sunshine? You definitely have enough money to hire someone to make a better video than that. And then some left over to hire another person to tell you to stop because you're terrible. I thought that was what agents were for?
According to the guy who inspired the song, Michael Clifford from 5 Seconds of Summer, Abigail is a delusional dater that we haven't seen the likes of since Taylor Swift tried becoming a Kennedy. He claims they hadn't spoken in a year when "You Suck" was released on Vimeo, which we all know is YouTube's ugly little brother.
The song is a long list of poorly written call outs that are so blatant it almost makes us uncomfortable. Almost. When we dress up as batshit crazy ex-girlfriends, we try not to reek of so much desperation. Also, "You really suck" stopped being an insult in 2nd grade, which Abigail clearly skipped because it's also when we learned how to fucking rhyme words.
I hate your dumb tattoo
I wish you'd fly to the moon
Where there are no girls to use
Or screw over
I hate the scar above
You're eye it looks like you're on drugs
And you really need to learn to wash your hair
Oh and thanks for
the tickets to your show
I just wanted you to know
All your band mates are hotter than you
Well, we're not gonna argue there.