March 14, 2014
Nine out of ten times if you run into your ex when you’re out, you’ll either be fake-nice or ignore the shit out of him. But that one time out of ten, due to reasons beyond your control—whether it’s because today is your former anniversary or because tequila—you find yourself taking the familiar cab ride back to his place and before you know it, you’ve hooked up.
So. Now what?
Obv doing a lot of
over-analyzing critical thinking when you’re dehydrated and feel like Rebel Wilson is stepping on your head is not a good idea. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
Now’s the time to put him on the thickest ice ever, like you are Anna from Frozen and you live in a fucking ice castle fortress that you built by tapping into the powers of your own cold heart. You do not text him. You do not call him. You do not even swipe him right on Tinder. Let it go, as they say. If he texts you about it, casually play it off with a joke like, “Tequila makes me do dumb shit sometimes, it's like whatever” and then resume the freeze-out. [Giving the appearance of] Giving zero fucks = winning
If you broke up with him chances are he’s still worshipping a bubblegum statue of you that’s stashed somewhere in his closet. Hooking up with him was a major fuckup on your part because now he’ll probably think you want to get back together or some shit, but like they say, when life hands you lemons, find someone with vodka and sugar and make lemon drops…fucking duh. You can totally use this opportunity to your advantage now and get your ex to do shit for you, like your taxes. But if you decide to go this route make sure you still maintain a chilly distance because if you don’t you could have a WGA on your hands and we all know those are harder to get rid of than glitter or like herpes.
Well then one of you is deeper in denial than JB is in legal charges because there’s no such thing as an “amicable break up,” and if you have to ask you’re probably the delusional one. In this case my special advice is to delete his number and/or give your phone to a friend to hold hostage. Because if there’s one thing I don’t trust it’s a boozed-up BSCB with an iPhone.
Bottom line, hooking up with your ex happens to the best of us so don’t beat yourself up too much. Besides, there are way worse guys you could “accidentally” hook up with, like your weird coworker or like a hipster. Just don’t ever fucking do it again, because after one time it stops becoming the alcohol’s fault and the blame falls squarely on your ass.