July 23, 2015
Q. I'm in college and this guy has been DMing me for the past week through twitter. There are obvi many things wrong with this,
a) it's over Twitter, which I haven't used since high school, and
b) it's been a week and he hasn't just asked for my number.
Do you have any idea why he hasn't just asked for my cell number yet? Is there some guy thing about keeping it in the DMs if you want nudes or something? TBH I don't know if I want to keep talking to him over a stupid app with character limits, but I do like this guy and would keep talking to him if he would just ask for my number like a normal person. Do you have any idea why the fuck he's being this weird?
I know I’m new to this website and there’s a certain tone that fans try to use but this person doesn’t sound like the most approachable. I know I’m preaching to the amazonian-future-jewish-Mothers-of-Long-Island-Or-Long-Island-Like-Town-Outside-Of-A-City-Near-You but pursuing a girl is hard. You have to approach a girl that just made a part of your body move (boners) and start a conversation that’s non-threatening but tough, hot but not creepy, smart but not douchey, and this all has to be funny. Add all that pressure onto an approach based on the fact that YOU think SHE is hot without any idea how she feels about your Dad Body. Anything other than a strong performance and you’re just not a man and her friends get a retelling of the story and shout, “HE SAID WHAT?” as judgement and a shared truffle french fry appetizer rain from the sky.
There’s no way a guy would be as particular. If a girl randomly came up to my buddy at a bar and started talking about something weird like whales, mentioned she saw his pictures on Instagram from two years ago, and made not one joke to make him laugh, I’d be hearing about some whale chick he was trying to bang after getting some drinks. No judgment, no reporting, all the chances in the world to turn from “whale chick” to “girl I’m dating” all the while drinking for free. So us guys will give you a pass when you freak out about a text from a female cousin you thought was someone else if you guys relax about how we get in touch.
That being said, this isn’t all about his anxiety. A little of this stems from keeping things casual. I’m about to be very honest (sound like a dick) so try and stick with this explanation. Guys try to hold onto all casual cards prior to a hookup. It gives us an excuse that makes us feel like less of a dick. I said, “feel.” Yes, saying “I don’t even have her number, I don’t have to end things” is us being a dick but rationalizations aren’t made for the people being rationalized. So think of calling a girl like giving a promise ring and think of a DM as a guy saying “What’s up” as you walk by in a bar. If you hook up after that promise ring then he’s got to explain what happened, and get back his mom’s ring. If you hook up after that “What’s up” well, it doesn’t really feel like we owe you anything. This is never true, but you acted on the same sexual desires that we were having.
You got involved without forcing any hoops to jump through. Leaving you after climaxing means as much as leaving you after a long glance with a hot girl on the train.
My advice is to meet somewhere in the middle. Instead of constantly sounding like you're auditioning for Mean Girls 2, try coming to him a bit. Forget about how he got in touch and be a little bit flattered that he got in touch at all. Try to look through all the cool guy antics he’s trying to use over twitter. I’m not saying to keep this conversation going if he’s using the emoji eggplant like he just took an emoji Viagra. What I’m saying is, flirt over DMs just long enough and at one point, cut it off. Something like, “Hey, I know this is practically getting engaged but I’m ready for more than 140 characters. Here’s my number. Shoot me a text. Maybe we can get a drink. Mayyyybe ;)” See, that text gave you the control you wanted. You told him you’re not meeting up through a Twitter conversation but you will meet up when he shows more effort. He will either take you up on that offer, or start looking for a girl who still thinks an eggplant is an eggplant.