The 'Affluenza Teen' Douchebag Is Finally Going To Jail

By Betch Ivy Carter

Sure, ISIS is bombing the shit out of the world and Donald Trump may very well be our next president, but at least we one good thing finally came out of 2016: the affluenza teen is going to jail. If you haven’t heard this most recent chapter in how the American justice system failed us all, buckle up and prepare for a rage blackout.

Back in 2013, Ethan Couch killed four people in a drunk driving accident in Forth Worth, Texas. His BAC was three times the legal limit. If Couch had been anything other than rich and white, this would have resulted in immediate, no-questions-asked jail time. Hell, if he had been a black kid, the cops probably would have run him down as they arrived at the scene of the crime and then shot him 16 times in the back. But, as America permits, Ethan got off with 10 years probation on the “affluenza defense,” meaning he was too spoiled and privileged to understand the difference between right and wrong. That’s right, an excuse that didn’t save you when you forgot to unload the dishwasher in high school has freed this degenerate from having to answer to the deaths of four people. Feel free to take a lap and come back to finish reading the rest of this debauchery.

Late last year, a video surfaced on the internet of Couch at a party where it would appear alcohol was being served, something that directly violates the slap-on-the-wrist probation he was dealt not even three years before. As completely innocent people do, Couch and his mother fled to Puerto Vallarta to evade capture, probably after his lawyer called and told them he was out of completely made-up disorders to diagnose him with.

Presumably Mexico heard about the piece of shit they were housing and immediately agreed to cooperate with the US authorities, because both Couch and his mother were apprehended in December.

Just to recap: this kid had one fucking rule to follow after he murdered four innocent bystanders. ONE RULE. And once he breaks it, what does he do? Flees to Mexico. But not, like, the seedy part of Mexico where you could very feasibly pay some people off to stay hidden. No, these two dipshits are the subjects of an international manhunt and decide to lay low in a fucking resort town. The stress of evading the police was just too high for the Couches!! They needed a few days on the beach and a piña colada or two—which, oh yeah, Ethan isn't supposed to be having anyway—before they could continue on their great escape.

Last Wednesday Ethan was sentenced in a Texas court to life in prison for being a worthless scumbag. JUST KIDDING. I wish. White privilege strikes again, leaving the affluenza teen with a measly two years in prison, or 180 days for each of his victims. The kid who drove drunk, murdered four people, violated his parole, and then fled the fucking country to avoid getting arrested is getting two years in prison.

Welcome to America: land of the free, as long as you've got enough money to pay for it. I'm gonna go down a bottle of wine now.




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