Air Force One Is Getting A Million Dollar Makeover

By Betchen Wieners

The Mile-High Club just got a huge upgrade. Air Force One (aka the President’s plane that looks more like the inside of an upscale hotel than a Boeing 747) is getting a multi-million dollar makeover. Although the current interior is more luxurious than the average American’s living room, a quick Google search reveals that everything from the lamps to the leather couches are seriously outdated. I mean, come on. Who would want to do business with a president whose plane looks like the set of some depressing 80’s sitcom?

However, this necessary upgrade isn’t coming cheap, as it shouldn’t be. It’s the fucking president’s plane, duh. The military is planning on spending around $3 billion on the new planes (apparently one is not enough) which will replace the current planes that started being used in 1991. The fact that an airplane older than recent college grads is flying around our fucking commander-in-chief is insane. Supposedly the mechanical problems associated with this archaic plane is costing a shit ton, so the idea of spending billions of dollars on new planes isn’t such a bad idea. Honestly though, that plane better be cool AF for that much money…we’re talking tanning beds, hot tubs, stocked bar, etc.

There are some people who think it’s unnecessary to put a multi-billion dollar burden on the taxpayers for a fancy new plane. I mean, this money could go towards bettering education or providing women with monthly sabbaticals to menstruate in peace outside the workplace. But, if we want our president to a) not be laughed at due to a fugly airplane and b) travel safely, a new Air Force One is a small price to pay. Also, these new planes won’t even be available until 2023, which is pretty fucking timely because by then we will definitely have a female president and that bitch won’t accept anything less. You go, girl.




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