August 26, 2014
Email me your pressing questions about life and love at [email protected]
Dear Head Pro,
I need your help! For the second time now I've been told by guys that I'm demanding in bed and not in a sexy dominatrix sorta way. The two guys who said this to me are no amateurs at sex and always have done a more than satisfying job in the bedroom with me, so I'm not complaining about performance by any means. I'm just wondering at what point does constructive criticism and a little direction to get the job done become annoying and, to quote one guy, "high maintenance". I know what I like as far as sex and if I'm about to come wouldn't a little pointer help a guy out to really make me enjoy myself be a good thing?
Not Tryna direct a porno
Yeah, ok, I see where this is kind of tough. On the hand, sex is more enjoyable if, well, everyone enjoys themselves. On the other, the single greatest fear for the average guy is emasculation, and a perceived failure at sex would definitely be classified as such, for some guys. It’s easy to take a benign comment intended to be instructional and construe it as “you are less than a man and your sorry excuse for a penis would be better appropriated as a packing peanut or a stress ball.”
Basically, if it gets to the point where you can call it “constructive criticism,” it’s already annoying. It’s pretty easy to get around that, though. One way is to use positive affirmation to reward good behavior. That is, when he’s hitting the spot, let him know it. The second is to, believe it or not, make it even MORE about you. Instead of barking “PUT YOUR FINGER IN MY BUTT,” say “I like it when you touch me here,” or “It feels good when you do xyz.” That will come across more as valuable information and less like orders from his high school gym teacher.
Dear Head Pro,
I want to first start off by saying that I really appreciate your contributions to the site. I think your responses to the letters has a nice combination of insight and humor, which I guess has led me to write you today.
**Disclaimer: I'm a guy, and I know there are other places to ask for advice that are intended for a male audience, but I hate their writing style and I think they're shitty people.**
I have two issues: I'm bi and I have a crush on a girl I work with.
Being bi isn't necessarily an issue, I'm just having trouble addressing it when I'm talking to girls. I've just kinda come to terms with it, so I'm a little sensitive about it and I don't know where in the dating game it needs to addressed. In the whole scheme of dating, I'm not sure if it's a first date conversation or a fifth date conversation. I just want to avoid being that guy that reveals his past after three months of dating or after hooking up for awhile. If I wanted to date under false pretenses I'd just stay in the closet. I'm aware that my situation doesn't really have the best end results, but if there's a good way to go about it, I'd like to know.
Overall question: How far in the dating game should I have the, "I'm bi conversation," or should I just work up the courage to be upfront about it from the beginning?
On to the co-worker crush thing. I know your stance about dating people you work with and I totally agree; and, since I can't go to the bathroom without passing her desk and the entire office would start whispering if we stopped hanging out, I understand the logic of keeping your romances away from you workplace.The only problem is my entire (entire might be a stretch) office won't get off my back about dating her and my friends share the same sentiment. I have explained the whole "dating in the workplace" bad scenario a 100 times and, instead of receiving understanding, everyone accuses me of basing my potential relationship on what ifs. My current stance is that it's not smart to date her until we work for different departments, especially since my dating life is a more taboo since I'm bi.
Overall question: Am I justified in not dating the girl I work with for the potential repercussions? Or are my friends/coworkers right in saying that I'm being too careful?
Thanks for reading,
The Office Bi Guy
Dear Bi Guy,
Ok, regarding the first part: I am obviously far from an expert on the subject. I asked around in the interest of not sounding like a complete fucking moron when responding to this question, and the consensus I’ve gathered is that no one has any idea what to do or think about bi-sexual men, specifically. This is maybe one area in terms of minority sexuality where girls maybe have it a little easier, in that women learn this about another woman and say “yep, I get that” and guys hear it and say “what are you and your most attractive friend doing tonight?”
But the other way around? Girls, despite claiming to love gay men to the point of treating them like accessories, revert to the goddamn 19th century when confronted with a bi man. As in, they doubt his claim (assuming he’s really just all-the-way gay) and want nothing to do with him. I don’t envy your position.
Though I can’t really put myself in your shoes, I think common sense would dictate you treat it like any other major part of who you are that you don’t normally share with strangers. Think of people who were abused, overcame eating disorders, recently lost a spouse, etc. (I’m NOT equating being queer with abuse or disorder, so get off my nuts, commenters) - they don’t typically share that information with someone unless they feel close enough to trust them. Technically, your private business is your business and no one else’s, but since we live in a polite society that also has a fascination with what other people do with their genitals, convention dictates that it will come up eventually.
So no, definitely not a first date icebreaker (“Hi, I’m Office Bi Guy. Uhhh, let’s see, one interesting fact about me…. Oh! When I’m not dating girls, sometimes I like to plow other guys in the ass!”) I can’t even tell you if it’s a fifth date thing or even a tenth date thing, because it’s ultimately about how much you consider your bi-ness part of who you are, and also how comfortable you feel with the person. As you said, you don’t want to go three months hooking up with someone without putting it on the table, but somewhere between date one and your three month sexaversary, you decided that this would be something you’d like to commit to for at least a while. Right around there would probably be the best time to address it, I would think. Who knows, maybe you’ll find out that he/she likes to pinch hit for the other team, too. COULD BE FUN.
Regarding the coworker: The reason I advise so strongly against intra-office relations is that they’re typically ill-conceived and lazy. “Oh, so and so is hot so we fucked in the decorative fountain at the office Christmas party, now I don’t know what to do,” that sort of thing. If you’re really over the moon for this girl (and if it seems mutual), that’s a little different than a relationship born out of convenience. It’s still not a great idea for the reasons I’ve stated 1,000 times here, but if you really can’t help yourself, I suppose the situation could be worse.
Prince Oberyn Was my Favorite GoT Character,
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