63. America

By The Betches

Betches are inherently narcissistic, so it’s no surprise that we believe that whatever country we were born in is the greatest nation in the world. However, if you’re not from the United States of America and you have this feeling then you’re clearly delusional.

America is like that top betch we were friends with in high school. She’s beautiful, rich, and she doesn’t give a shit about poor people or minorities. She did whatever she wanted and everyone hated on her because they were all jealous of her popularity and her ”I will obliterate you if you fuck with me” attitude. She even has a fucking song all about how pretty she is.

On top of that, we’re sooo thankful for the millions of freedoms we get just by being born here. We have the right to dress like a slut, pregame anytime and anywhere we want, and it’s even fucking legal to send someone your own shit (literally) in the mail. How betchy is that? We’re also lucky to live in a nation of 24 hour gyms and one of the highest obesity rates in the world, allowing us to look skinnier next to almost everyone in pics.

When we went #3 abroad, we really got the low down on how the rest of the world lives. While we loved the food and the clubs and shit, we realized that we’re really fucking lucky to live in America, where our fav salad place doesn’t close at noon because they ran out of lettuce. Also, we could teach Europe a thing or two about electronics. It’s called a fucking clothes dryer. Get the memo, Italy! The sheer amount of buildings without elevators in it a testament to America’s superiority. At least when we discriminate against handicapped people, we give them a fucking ramp to get to the bouncer before they’re rejected at the door.


To all those European assholes who screamed at us for being loud American girls. Fuck off and be thankful that we tip you even though it’s not customary.

Finally, like any top betch, America’s birthday is a national holiday and she lets everyone fucking know it. Her birthday is the whole country’s excuse to get drunk, party, and light shit on fire.

So here’s to the red, white, and blue. Let’s take today to thank those hot bros and lesbians who fight for our freedoms everyday. As the song says, crown her good with bro hood and fucking party in the U.S.A.


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