American Girl Dolls Ranked By Betchiness

By Jane Duh

So I want to start out by saying that every American Girl Doll is at least a little bit betchy because they are expensive as fuck and don’t do anything. They come with tons of accessories, which are also extremely expensive and if you want to take your narcissism to a whole other level, you can shell out even more money and get one that looks exactly like you. Then you can buy matching outfits for it and sleep with it in the same room as you and talk to it and love it and tell it your secrets until the doll gets more and more powerful and suddenly you’re the doll and she’s the human. Or something like that. IDK because my mom would never buy me a lookalike doll and now she and I don’t speak.

Anyway, here’s the definitive ranking of the AG’s betchiness. Feel free to tear me apart in the comments. If you disagree, remember: this is a satirical article about a line of historical children’s toys. Fucking chill.  

1. Samantha Parkington (Turn of the Century Betch)

Sam is undoubtedly the betchiest of all the American girl dolls for a variety of reasons. Number one being that when Sam was a baby her rich as fuck parents died and now she lives with her betchy grandma, who she calls “Grandmary” which is hands down the whitest shit I’ve heard in my life. Sam also rocks a black-and-white checkered dress and matching black-and-white velvet bow, which is very chic for a 9-year-old girl. Samantha also has a servant/friend named Nellie who you can buy as an accessory to Samantha if you want your doll to have a servant (or friend, I guess). It takes a while for Sam to realize that Nellie is poor and that’s why she’s so annoying. Sam eventually pulls a Cher Horowitz and gets all charitable and gives Nellie a doll from her collection and Nellie promptly shuts the fuck up. And finally, betchiest of all, Samantha comes with an all black outfit...




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