September 4, 2014
I know Nick Cannon isn’t having a great week, but IDGAF. I really just can’t with America’s Got Talent. With this season’s semifinals underway, I’m seeing way too much of this shit on cable when I’m already second-guessing my decision to stay in. Horrible. Worse than the show itself is the fact that it’s been the #1 most viewed program of the night more than once. Seriously?
If you’re lucky enough to not have seen the show, it’s basically a bunch of ugly people doing weird shit on stage for the chance to win one million dollars. But it’s also much, much worse than that.
Like Mr. Cannon for example, our fedora-wearing host and the sorry individual who is tasked with making any of this seem exciting. He says things like “Aight ya’ll ready for this?!” and “Let’s get crazy!!” like he’s announcing the players in Space Jam. As if that isn’t bad enough, he’s often forced to get involved in the acts and used as a human prop. The whole time his face is just like, “Oh fuck, how did it come to this?” It makes you miss the days of Wild ‘N Out when he looked like an idiot on purpose.
The judges could not hate each other more and I totally get it because as a collective unit, I hate them too. The worst is Howie Mandel who is so fucking amped about everything and I don’t know why. He looks like he railed a line before each act and in everyone’s reviews he’s always trying to say something profound about “what America wants.” No asked, Howie. No one asked.
Mel Brown AKA Scary Spice is yet AGAIN relegated to the role of the random one and no one really knows why she’s there. I’m always down for a Spice Girls TBT, but watching someone be on the D List for this long is starting to give me second hand anxiety.
Howard Stern is a crazy fuck per usual and Heidi Klum is kind of over it. Both of them are too good for this show and I really hope they leave soon. Come on, guys. BE BETTER THAN THE GAP.
Of course, we can’t forget about the people who make this whole shitshow possible—the contestants. There’s an “anything goes” rule for entries which means you have everyone from fat magicians (WTF, these still exist?) to boring singers to subpar comedians. As previously stated, they’re ugly and that’s probably why they’re not already famous. Or they just suck.
Something I also loathe about this show is the way NBC creates “inspirational” back-stories for every fucking contestant that makes it past the first round. This isn’t the Special Olympics; can’t we just let “talent” speak for itself? I feel like I’m applying to college again when everyone bullshits their diversity essay because they couldn’t get over a 600 on Verbal.
I’m pretty sure this show is supposed to be uplifting but TBH, it has the opposite effect on me. It doesn’t really leave me thinking that America’s got talent, but maybe some weird ass hobbies? The whole thing is an offensive waste of primetime space and I just CANNOT. If it weren’t for Bachelor in Paradise I would probably throw out my TV.