October 7, 2014
In honor of the book some of us read and the movie we all saw this weekend, this week's Betch of the Week is none other than Gone Girl's Amy Elliott-Dunne. If you’re still waiting to go see the film and want it to be a surprise, obviously stop reading this because in order to explain her epic-ness I’m going to have to spoil a few plot twists.
This blonde bombshell was a betch from a very young age, having been raised as an heiress to famous author parents that achieved their fame by writing about her. That’s right, their multimillion-dollar idea was to write about ‘Amazing Amy’, a cartoon version of their own daughter who did everything perfectly. She was more famous than the fucking Royal Baby because all the other kids read these books and were constantly reminded of how ‘Amazing’ Amy was. She was famous and rich literally without doing a single fucking thing.
Amy is also betchy because she does whatever the fuck she wants and is #24 insensitive enough to not have to think twice about it. Sure she might have married the cheating douchebag Nick Dunne/Ben Affleck, who never really appreciated just how awesome she was and was fucking that Blurred Lines model, but Amy destroyed him. Most women would simply leave the guy and say ‘see ya lataz’ but Amy had had it with male entitlement in a marriage. No one gets away with taking a betch's money and cheating on her and worst of all, making her move to the Midwest and gets away with it. She framed him for her own murder while taking a mini vacation to watch him deal with the consequences on the news and pos not def get death row. I mean, she even had to befriend the neighborhood idiot nice girl, and that shit takes dedication.
There’s also the fact that she’s insanely brilliant (obvs had to be to plan a fake murder), breaking down the personality traits of the kind of girl every guy wants, a ‘cool girl’ and then reminding us that a skinny girl who drinks beer and eats hot dogs obvs doesn’t exist. She pretty much nailed our post making fun of the WGG> and we all know how annoying that bitch is. Sure she somehow managed to gain like 30 pounds in five days but betch knew how to lose that shit ASAP when confronted with her
sociopathic stalker backburner bro, NBD.
Most importantly, Amy showed us that with patience, brains, beauty, and a lack of fear of using a champagne bottle as a dildo, a betch can get whatever the fuck she wants in this world, be it a lake house with really comfortable down comforters or the ability to frame her cheating husband for murder.