An Open Letter To Apple Employees

By Dom Betchignon

Dear Apple Retail Employees,

First off, just because I don’t look like one of the characters in The Lord of the Rings trilogy doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. It’s rather appalling that because you resemble a hobbit you believe you are somehow superior to me.

Yes I know I just rested my Louis Vuitton on the table next to my broken iPhone charger but that doesn’t mean you still shouldn’t offer to give me a new one for free. And I don’t appreciate you speaking down to me (especially since you’re all under 5’5”, Little Man Syndrome much?) asking if I remove my cord from my computer with my hand placed on the plastic end. Like what is this, sex ed? And no, obviously I don’t do that so why you are asking me? NO ONE DOES THAT. Who fucking has time to rest their hand on the plastic USB piece and gently remove it from their computer? Obviously everyone just tugs the cord and gets on with their days. I guess maybe hobbits like you with no social life have more time to remove your iPhones carefully but the rest of us normal people do not. You probably also eject your USB’s before pulling them out. Speaking of pulling out I really wish your dad had done so right about now because I need this condescending tone of yours out of my day.

It's only a phone, FOCKER!

Also I would like to point out that you work RETAIL. You aren’t fucking Steve Jobs because you know how to press the restart button on my Mac. I know I probably don’t technically know how to do that correctly but if I googled it I probably could too. Like just because you work in a room that has ceilings as tall as the Palace of Versailles doesn’t mean you still don’t work in a fucking retail store. You wear a T-SHIRT AND NEW BALANCES TO WORK. 

Lastly onto the new release of the iPhone 6. This new phone can only be preordered starting Friday and I can already tell it’s gonna be more stressful than the Coachella ticket waiting room online. Also unless you’re due for an upgrade (which obviously no one ever is) the iPhone is $900. Like are you joking? Has Siri now been replaced with Morgan Freeman’s voice of wisdom to guide me? When I order food online does it now just pop out of the screen? For $900 you better at least let me type fuck without it turning into duck. Oh wait I just remembered I’m writing an Apple store employee obviously you have no control over any devices released by Apple cause you work RETAIL, can’t believe that slipped my mind.


A betch fed up with Hobbitville.




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