An Open Letter To Social Media Salespeople

Dear Sad Spokesperson,

Sometimes I envy the life of my mother. When her sad, divorced friends wanted to sell her stuff she didn’t want or need like Mary Kay or Tupperware, they held a very avoidable party. Even if my mother felt obligated to go to said party and throw some cash at her sad friend’s cause, it could at least front as an excuse to get drunk and talk shit about other mothers.

Oh, how times have changed.

It seems like every pathetic person I know is now trying to peddle ridiculous goods to me on social media. Whether it be those fucking awful “It Works” wraps (they obviously don’t fucking work because everyone selling those is still fat) or some dumb shake program, I’d be deemed just as stupid for buying this shit as you are for selling it.

I wear my Hillary 2016 t-shirt just as proudly as the next feminist so don’t give me any bullshit about how selling stuff like this “helps women”. Sure it might give a lady in need some extra cash to pay for food for her four illegitimate children, but hey, so does having a real job.  If anything, selling shit like this is probably hurting women because everyone is thinking about how fucking stupid these ladies are for buying into pyramid schemes that sell pure garbage to other women.

Obviously, no one I’m close to is interested in peddling this crap to me like some sort of social media savvy, “Rollex” whispering street-vendor because my friends aren’t desperate or pathetic, so I’m kind of wondering how I became FB friends with you in the first place. Most likely, you added me because we went to high school together and I accepted because I was going through my phase of trying to be less of a bitch. We all make mistakes, mine was adding you and yours is being a fucking idiot and terrible salesperson.








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