January 10, 2014
We really didn’t want to overload you with shit about Anne Hathaway in such a small time frame but because the number of people who tweeted this article to us (some even asking if we had something to do with it) is even hard to articulate we decided it was well worth the post.
So what’s the story? Well, Anne fucking Hathaway almost drowned in Hawaii on Wednesday. It’s unclear if it was before or after the pictures were taken of her and her husband prancing around the beach like they were Chris Farley and the penguin in Billy Madison. But, it happened, and it’s so absurd.
Not only did she nearly drown but on her way out of the ocean, like AFTER she made a whole help me I’m Anne and I’m les mis and I’m drowning scene, she cut her foot on a reef and started bleeding profusely, a la Forgetting Sarah Marshall. So like any normal person, instead of calling a paramedic, husband of the century went down on his knees and started SUCKING THE TOXINS OUT OF ANNES FUCKING TOE. Like who are these two!? And while fucking George of the Jungle is tonsil deep in Anne’s big toe she’s just lounging like she’s waiting for someone to bring her a piña colada.
The ordeal couldn’t have been that intense because apparently an hour or two later she was seen taken pictures with fans on the beach. Therefore it’s safe to say that if I had seen Anne drowning in the ocean I’d prob, no def, save her but when she was alive and well I'd laugh for a solid 25 to 40 minutes.
I really can’t believe this story is real and involves Anne Hathaway. Happy Friday.