Earlier this year it was reported that Drake and Rihanna not only went ice skating but also bowling (why?/how?) and the whole world speculated whether the fuck they were dating or if they were just toying with us. Anyway, they’ve seemingly been pretty on since then, what with their respective collaborations and all the grinding they do during concerts. That’s what I thought and tried really hard to convince myself of, because if they’re not together my belief in true love is pretty much at 0. Then the VMAs happened and a beautiful moment when Drake kissed Rihanna was ruined when she pretty much looked like she was getting a smooch from her way too affectionate uncle. So WTF? Are Drake and Rihanna together or not? Don’t worry. I’m here to figure it the fuck out because I, like you, care far too much but unlike you, I am paid to do so. #Blessed
Using a handy guide made by VH1.com, here’s a timeline made better by my commentary.
May 2009: Drake and Rihanna went on their first date to Lucky Strike. Seriously? Even I stopped doing that for dates and I’m definitely younger than both of them. Anyway, sources say they were “making out all night” and that’s about as scandalous as it gets.
June 2010: Drake cries about how Rihanna loved him and left him after that very date during an interview with the New York Times. If I did that after every one-night stand, college would’ve been a very different story. Drake also releases “Fireworks” which is about Rihanna. At this point all I’ve concluded is that Rihanna is a fucking boss and Drake needs to grow a pair.
June 2010-July 2011: TMZ reports Aubrey and RiRi were “snuggling up at a private booth” at some Canadian nightclub eh, they drop Rihanna’s song “What’s My Name?”
October 2011: Drake spends more time crying to Elle magazine about how Rihanna looked at him once and he fell in love with her for years because he’s a stalker. Somewhere in the middle of this sad, sad interview and Rihanna and Chris Brown stupidly getting back together—proving to everyone that Rihanna has shitty taste in men—“Take Care” drops and Drake decides to taunt Chris Brown by sending him a note in a club like he’s in fucking second grade.
August 2013: Drizzy and Rihanna are spotted having dinner ahead of that year’s VMAs. You remember it right? Miley Cyrus fucked a giant foam finger in front of everyone and ruined all our lives? Right. That one.
February 2014: Drake does another super obnoxious interview with Rolling Stone where he describes Rihanna as “the ultimate fantasy” while also letting everyone know “they’re just friends." Right. The next month TMZ reports Drake and Rihanna “are in a serious relationship”—as serious as one month of dating can be anyway—and two months later Rihanna’s like, “why’re you so obsessed with me?” and pulls the fuck away because Drake’s “just too in love with her”.
November 2015: Rihanna tells Vanity Fair her “last real, official boyfriend was Chris Brown." #Rough
January 2016: Rihanna drops “Work” featuring Drake. In February, their pretty gross dance habits came to a head. See what I did there? However, Rihanna still maintains during an interview on The Ellen DeGeneres Show that she’s “single”. In March Drake signs a photo of Rihanna and draws a heart on her ass but honestly that’s not an indicator of anything because I’d probably do the same thing.
April 2016: Rihanna appears on Drake’s song “Too Good”, otherwise known as a song I’ve completely ruined for myself by playing it 100 times in a row.
June 2016: While performing "To Good" with Rihanna during his tour, Drake announces to the crowd that having her there was breaking his heart. Kid needs to get a fucking grip.
Last month: a source tells E! that Aubrih is very much a thing and that “[Drake] still loves [Rihanna] (duh) and never stopped. Rihanna is the one that’s been not wanting to settle down in the past (Again…duh)”. HOWEVER, during his last interview on Ellen’s show this month, Drake announced that he and Rihanna are “just friends.” That brings us to...
Last Sunday’s VMAs: Drake pathetically/endearingly announces to the entire world that Rihanna’s someone he’s been in love with since he was 22 years old. The two were spotted eating dinner together before this dramatic proclamation took place at Nobu. E! confirms from any number of “sources” that Aubrih is definitely officially dating.
Holy fuck. I’m so tired. Anyway, are they or aren’t they? TBH, even after all that
super in-depth journalistic investigative reporting half-assed attempt at Googling, I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that I’m 50% annoyed, 25% hungry, and 25% intrigued and only a quarter of that is within my power to change. Stay tuned.